Rejection, Dejection.

I have this overwhelming need for acceptance. I think it stems from all those volatile childhood friendships. You know the ones: you’re the best of friends fat the beginning of the school day and then by afternoon recess you’re left standing alone wondering what – over the past 5 hours – could have happened to create these turn of events.

I had have a few of those.

I think we all have at one time or another.

I remember clearly in elementary school I was often the one that sat on the swing, alone, at recess wondering what happened and why suddenly those whom were my best friends mere hours ago weren’t letting me in on their game of Four Square.

Dude, I was the Queen of Four Square. I could kick your motherfucking ass.

And maybe if I hadn’t projected that attitude of superiority, I would have played longer…

I digress.

As the years go on, I’ve noticed this urge for acceptance rear its ugly head to the point I am debilitated by the fear of rejection.

I don’t readily approach people because I worry they’ll think I’m overzealous, nutty, or invading their personal space.

I haven’t asked for a raise since my current boss started (six years ago) for fear he’s going to tell me I’m not worth what I’m asking for.

If When I speak up I feel as though my ideas are dismissed before I’ve had the opportunity to present them.

During my Professional Development session last fall, I was told I am “rather intimidating”. Which I totally laughed at (in my head) because I am the most self-loathing, self-conscious, self-deprecating person I know, and to be told I was intimidating? Well, it was another shot to this already fucked up brain of mine. Intimidating? Maybe my fear of rejection is projecting this unapproachable, INTIMIDATING image. An image which is turning people away and MAKING ME WONDERING WHAT I’VE DONE CAUSING ME TO BE ALONE ON THE SWING SET, AGAIN!!?

Fuck me sideways. It’s a never-ending mindfuck.

And how did this suddenly become about work?

Now that I’ve been regularly working out and running, pushing myself beyond the limits of my comfort zone, I’ve been finding myself stepping out in different areas of my life. One, for instance: I’ve been putting off accreditation in my field of work because I was scared to fail. (Work again? Really?) Worried that I wasn’t good enough and so I put off filling out the questionnaires and asking colleagues to supply reference to my abilities. For four years. I’ve been encouraged repeatedly to do it, but never had the inner strength to think that maybe I could be accepted.

But today I did.

It felt great to actually begin the process. I’ve paid the application fee and now there’s no turning back.

I mean, really? What’s the worst that could happen? They reject me?

*GULP*

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Tagged as: life, mental health, work