Change.

I had resigned myself to being The Fat Friend a long time ago. I have always been the largest of my group of friends. Maybe not always the heaviest, but the one with the broad shoulders and larger build, which always made me feel like I was The Fat Friend. It’s hard not to when all the girls were able to swap clothes with each other and I was the odd one out with no one to swap with.

As far too many others have, I’ve struggled, and continue to struggle, with my body image. No matter how hard I work, I still see that fat girl when I look in the mirror. I don’t know that she’ll ever go away. I don’t know that I want her to; she’s now my motivation. She keeps me moving, pushing to succeed.

After tipping the scales at 200 pounds, there was no question I had to do something. I starting running last spring (along with doing Jillian Michaels’ 30-day Shred) thinking it would be the “easy” and least expensive way to lose weight (which it is until you add in winter running gear and treadmills). In 2010, I covered 395 kilometers (245 miles) since March. Two hundred and forty-five miles. That blows my mind; and still, I don’t feel as though I have earned the right to call myself ‘a runner’.

I don’t know what it is, but I feel like it’s a merit badge I have to earn and it has to be handed down by a runner, otherwise I’m just a poseur wannabe.

A jogger.

Why is that?

To prove it to myself, that I am *gulp* a runner! I’ve signed up for a half marathon on May 1st with Karen. Maybe once I’ve successfully completed over 20-kilometers (13.1 miles), someone will pat me on the back and tell me, it’s okay, freak. You can call yourself a runner now.

Despite my hang-ups over being called a ‘runner’, I have run; and not only have I covered all that ground, I’ve learned to challenge myself again. I’ve pushed myself harder than I have in years, and I can finally, confidently say: it’s paying off.

It’s paying off.

Please excuse my teeth-brushing. I like to multi-task. Also? That twitter shirt? I couldn’t even squeeze into it in March, 2010.

I suck at taking self-portraits. They’re at different distances, but still, the change is noticeable now. When I shared the July pictures, I didn’t see the weight loss everyone else had begun to notice. I was so discouraged but kept plugging away.

I don’t weigh myself because it consumes me. I own a scale, but it doesn’t have a battery otherwise I become this compulsive freak I don’t even know. I simply use how my clothes fit to gauge how well I’ve been doing, and so far I’ve dropped from a size 16, borderline 18, to a size 10 (0r 12 depending on the brand); from an 1X/XL to a L/M – and a cup size , which I am none to pleased about. The last time I weighed myself (using my WiiFit) was in early-December, and at that time I was 27lbs lighter.

Though my main focus appears to be weight loss, it’s more about a lifestyle change. I wasn’t happy, and not just with my weight; I was a bystander watching life pass by. In many ways, I still am, but now I’m making a concerted effort to improve that.

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