A Manhattan condo is a dream of mine.

Hell, a Toronto condo wouldn’t be bad either.

But, Manhattan. The Big Apple, The City That Never Sleeps, New York: that’s where I belong. The fast pace, the activity, the multiculturalism: it’s all perfect. Yes, much like Toronto, but on a much grander scale.

Until a couple weeks ago, it’s was 13 years since my last visit as a scrawny 16-year-old teenager. We went on a trip, my best friend and I, for her birthday. Her mom and aunt as our chaperones. The city was different then. The people a little less friendly, the cabbies a little more crass, the streets a little less welcoming.

Since my visit all those years ago, things have changed. Considerably. The once stereotypical cold-hearted concrete jungle is alive and thriving despite its more recent tragedies. New York makes me happy. It makes me feel alive.

The purpose of my trip, BlogHer’s annual conference, where I spent less than 20 minutes partaking in any conference-related activities (aside from some running, expo-ing and parties), because Dude? I was in New York. It really wasn’t deliberate. I had every intention of participating in some Room of Your Owns, lunches and breakfasts, but in the end, the streets were calling me.

No, not like that.

I felt this incredible GUILT for being stuffed away in a (freezing) hotel ballroom while New York City was outside! I couldn’t fight it. The bustling subway, the smell of street meat mixed with musty stale humidity. Appetizing, right? It smells much better than you would think.

When I planned my trip bought my tickets back in April, I assumed 5 days would be sufficient.

Hell, I didn’t even think I was going to be able to swing this trip at all until I won a sponsorship from Twenty70 Hosting.

I planned to arrive early on Wednesday, Conference and then do tourist things until Sunday evening, but I had conveniently forgot that IT WAS NEW YORK CITY. There is NEVER enough time for New York. Of all the things I had on my list of must-see/must-do, I think I crossed off three.

Jackson Pollock at MoMA

All those *missed* opportunities – like seeing the Statue of Liberty, walking down Wall Street, going to the Empire State Building (again) – were filled with amazing experiences I would never trade in a million years. I mean, it’s not often I have an opportunity to see some of the most amazing friends I’ve ever met who just happen to be living in my computer.

Me and my Casey (@mooshinindy)

Me and Angie (@alotofnothing), photo belonging to Angie.

Miss Emily (@designhermomma)

My new BFF, Kim (@kimorlandini)

For me, New York wouldn’t have been the same without them. Without many of you. A chance meeting as we entered and exited elevators, seeking people out via text and twitter, a quick hug as we pass by: it’s all too surreal, having all those people you know right there at the same time. People, who though so different from each other have very similar likes. People who get it, and aren’t annoyed by the constant glow of backlight from a smartphone while one checks twitter, or facebooks a friend.

Though I had such great experiences this year, I was burdened by thoughts of last years conference where I witnessed first hand the downward spiral of our writing community.

This community, our community, used to be more about personal reflection and memoir-style blogging, as Cecily wrote just yesterday. That’s where I started, and where I still feel most comfortable; but as she pointed out, we’re a dying breed – and I think that’s why I have been having such a hard time maintaining this site.

Since BlogHer in Chicago last year, after I witnessed the onslaught of our own community members whoring themselves out for a couple free dildos and rubber shoes, I’ve resented what this community has become. I only really just got that today after reading Cecily’s post. I just want our old community back, but also am not obilivous to the fact that this vortex of consumption, need and one-upping has become the way of the future. Book deals, television appearances, brand ambassadors, review sites and giveaways are the new Memoir-style blogging, and as much as I’d love to see the dinosaurs make a comeback I think those days are gone.

Now is where we, I, decide to either shit of get off the pot. Do I keep plugging along and blogging about me, my faults, my life, my triumphs, my failures while throwing a couple reviews and giveaways into the mix to appease the masses?

I was hoping that this conference was going to catapult me past this resentment. Past this uncomfortable-ness in my own blog.

But it hasn’t.

Instead, it’s renewed my idea of friendship, love and companionship. It has reminded me that there are handfuls of people I would – and could – spend every single day with, and that I have met them because of this community.

Me and Mishelle (@secretagentmama), taken by Mishelle

No amount of swag, promises of Blog Fame, or traffic will change what you mean to me.

For a moment, you were there. And in a New York minute, you were gone. Back in my computer.

And that, friends, is what THIS is all about.

• Why friends probably shouldn’t work together (Read: Shit, we really need an accountant)
• 2011: Suck Less
• Pants Optional

After hitting publish on my last post, I cried.

I cried because I was scared, worried, anxious about reactions I may receive. Not so much about the pictures, though they were pretty hard for me to post, but that I felt completely exposed. Not only did I divulge into how my messed up brain works, but combine that with a couple of pictures of my flabby mom-post-baby-two-years-ago belly, which. Dude? Ouch.

I kinda worried you were going to think I was being an attention seeking douchebag by going on about Boo! I don’t see any results! I suck!. For anyone who has read this site for any amount of time, I would think they know that’s not how I roll. I am straight to the point. I share those deep, dark, parts because even though I think I’m alone with some of the demons I face, I know there are others out there who fight something similar. I share because a) I can’t keep my mouth shut and b) I am an open book.

I’ve been accused of lacking soft skills, which okay, sure. Sometimes I can be a little crass. *ahem* But I see no reason for bullshitting you. I don’t sugar coat things because, really? Who wants to deal with that shit? Some people find my straightforwardness cold and intimidating, but that’s not who I am. Sometimes I am shy, quiet and timid when faced with situations I am uncomfortable with. I don’t like attention.

This weight loss journey has brought more attention my way. People notice my hard work, congratulate me, and I get all hot and turn bright red. I am grateful that people notice, but I suck at receiving compliments.

But I like compliments.

It’s a vicious circle, really.

And when you see me at BlogHer, I may appear to be a little standoff-ish, but I’m really not. I am waiting for you to approach me because I’m scared you’ll reject me when I introduce myself. I may smile at you, but not say anything because I usually sound like an idiot when I try small talk. Just give me a chance, because I really can be fun!

:::

The winner of my book giveaway has been chosen and will be notified shortly, thanks for participating!

Random Posts

• Weight Loss and Body Image: My Dirty Truth
• introvertive thinking
• Nancy, Nancy, Quite Contrary How Does Your Weed Grow

This past weekend was my very first BlogHer and since I’ve been writing on this site for over three years now, I’ve come to *know* quite a few people. I’ve become very close with a gigantic mitt full of them making it even more surreal to have those people (and more) in the same room at the same time, talking face to face. There’s no other way to describe it other than completely surreal. I mean, you know all about them: their loves, their children, their hard times, their fears and to have never laid eyes on them until that meeting and know exactly who they are is pretty fuckin’ cool.

I can’t remember which night was which nor where I’ve ever had so much fun before.

Krystle (@snarkykisses), Moi and Miss Karen (@karensugarpants) at The Sparklecorn Extravaganza hosted by MamaPop.

photo lifted from Dove Clinical Protection Photo Booth @ MamaPopRocks Sparklecorn Extravaganza

I stayed up all hours of the night living off basic necessities like coffee, pop and free swag food – and free alcohol (DUH!). I think I had one staple meal the entire weekend.

I felt like I was in college again.

Totally hugging on The Michelin Man in the Expo

Totally crushed on people I’ve been reading FOREVER like the GORGEOUS and very sizzle Sizzle.

Me and Sizzle

And her? OMG HER. I would move to Florida and live in a cardboard box just to be with her all the time.

Me and Miss Britt

My Americus twin. I don’t know what more I can say about her besides she’s funny, GORGEOUS and so generous.

Angie and Me. Us. Forever.

Oh, and she likes my bewbs.

My Ali (@alimartell), Me and my Angie, bewb lover (@alotofnothing)

Wednesday night, our BlogHer Carpoolers‘ vehicle arrived. Chevy dropped off a beautiful 2010 Equinox which I immediately fell head over heels for. It’s an amazing drive which I totally pimped out the whole time (because I wanted to, not because they plied me with alcohol and free food). I think I may have even sold it to the gas station attendant I caught drooling all over the hood.

I arrived at Miss Karen Sugarpants‘ house where she greeted me at the door with a beer in hand. Which totally makes up for her calling me a twat. Then I spooned her and snored sweet nothings in her ear for about two hours before we got up and headed out on our eight hour drive to Chicago. Giddy like little high school girls we crossed the border into Americus blaring Britney Spears while Karen earned her new moniker @karengrannypants.

And America? Can you please talk to Target about opening their doors at 7:00am. Kthxbai.

Arrived in Chicago short on hearing (I think @karengrannypants forgot her hearing aid back home because the stereo was louder than loud and my ears were ringing for DAYS) where we met up with my twin, my stalker (WUUUUT?) (P.S. Fuckin’ LOVE her), Miss Shash and my dearest Avitable (Yes, I said dear). A warm welcome indeed.

After finding our room and cracking open our WalMart beer (I never thought I could love WalMart or America more) we met up with Mrs. Flinger (but don’t click that link because Ree has beaten Leslie’s server to a pulp and there’s nothing there.) in the hall as they stuffed bags for the Room 704 Party. Skype doesn’t do that woman justice people. Mrs. Flinger is all kindsa awesomesauce!

Thursday night has become a blur of FINALLY meeting my imaginary friends, parties and swag.

Seriously? What is this swag y’all are talking about? I’ve never even heard of swag. Swag gives me hives.

(If you haven’t listened to Dane Cook’s ‘The Nothing Fight’ then that will mean absolutely nothing to you, just carry on.. we’re walking… we’re walking…)

I know Craftastrophe won a weapon, I drank some beer and walked about six city blocks at 3 o’clock in the morning only to turn around and go back to the hotel.

I paid for a conference pass yet didn’t attend one panel. I’m not sad about that in the least. Because you know what? That conference pass was worth just being a part of those Community Keynotes (Can’t find a link to video at the moment, sorry!) and the Room of Your Own sessions. I stressed a little that I was wasting my money not attending them until that Community Keynote. Then I KNEW why I was there.

Friday night’s Nikon Cocktail Party was totally fabulous. Met some goreous women, and hung out with some of my favourite ladies while I contemplated approaching Carson Kressley but shied away from his lips critisism fame and watched from a distance.

Can I just tell you that party? So well put together, so much fun pretty well the highlight of the trip.

Or so I thought.

Because that was BEFORE I made it to the Sparklecorn Extravaganza.

Oh.

My.

Gah.

I didn’t even get any cake, just a giant unicorn leg of fondant icing.

Unicorn cake. OMFG.

picture from amysprite’s flickr. Go see. She’s AMAZING!

But like Karen said: The party was like a HUGE wedding without all the boring stuff.

And then I went all Gene Simmons on Mrs. Flinger.

So ya. That’s BlogHer.

Ahem.

Oh! And Casey. My dear sweet Casey.

Nothing but perfection.

Another amysprite pic.

________________________

Side Note:

I wanted to thank you all for your outpouring of support during our difficult time in The House of Me. I don’t think I’d be as sane right now if it weren’t for you. So thank you from the bottom of my cold, dark, shriveled heart.

I love you.

There are interviews being conducted with the children starting in two weeks. I haven’t decided if I should be there or just have Carter talked to someone without me there. I’m working through that at the moment.

We close on our new house TODAY. Our internet will be cut from this afternoon until the 11th of August so I have no idea when I’ll be checking in again. I’ll do my best to keep up with e-mails for The Business and I’ll be here and there when my addiction sees that it’s time to head to the nearest WiFi location.

<3

P.S. None of the photos are mine. I’ve stolen each and every one of them. There’s been NO time to download my camera. If you click the photo it will link you to its rightful owner.

• The Thing With Friendships
• A New York Minute
• The Obligatory ZOMG!!!11! #BlogHer09 Post

I started this blog back in 2006. July to be exact. (Totally missed my three year blogoversary blogiversary blogaversary day I started this trainwreck beloved blog.) At that time, I was moseying about the interwebs and finding new sites to read and began seeing this “BlogHer” thing showing up everywhere and people getting REALLY REALLY excited about it.

I had no idea what the hell it was.

I figured: Geez. And here I thought message board people got really obsessive and crazy addicted, who the hell would go to a conference about blogging?!

Ahem.

Ya.

So.

Um.

ZOMG!!!1! BLOG HER!!

I’M GOING!!

*squeeeeeeee!*

Now that that’s out of the way.

I’ve fretted about clothes, shopping and appearance more in the past month than I had throughout my entire high school life, and then? I was so totally, like The Queen of Vanity.

Then I decided if you’re not going to talk to me or like me because I chose to wear clothes I’ve had in my closet for the past two years then that’s your loss.

HEAR THAT TIM GUNN?

YOUR. LOSS.

Then I decided just too appease the masses, and my self-consciousness, I shall hit up a Target for a dress, a cover-up and a cute pair of heels when I cross the border.

*sigh*

THEN I began thinking, OMG, no one’s going to like me. They all have their friends that they’ve met before at previous BlogHer events and I’m so going to be sitting at a table all alone watching others have fun. I’ll feel like the new girl while I have no one to talk to so I’ll busy myself with my iTouch – because no one has offered to help a girl out with an iPhone which makes me even more of a loser because now I’m a poseur with my iTouch and not an iPhone. OMG, the A-listers are so going to point and laugh at me. Suddenly I feel like I’m going to prom with a date two years my senior.

See.

I am my worst critic. I KNOW.

So do me a favour, if you recognize me? Please say hi.

If you don’t recognize me, not to worry. Here’s a picture:

If you’re going to be there, you can find me:

• Attending conference events
• Driving a beautiful brand new 2010 Chevy Equinox as part of the BlogHer Carpoolers (follow @temptingmama and #BlogHerCarpoolers on twitter for our lastest updates while we’re traveling to Chicago!)
• Being a faithful ambassador for Yummie Tummie
• At the Nikon party with Carson Kressley thanks to Miss Britt for letting mebe her tag along.
• Wearing Sorrelli jewelry (thanks to Angie!)
• Attending the hottest parties of the weekend (hopefully not as a wallflower)

If you’re NOT going to be there?

Head on over to @BlogHerAtHome. It’s a fabulous site created by my buds Nic and Jenn for those of you who are partying along at home. There’s giveaways (including a masthead design from Yours Truly) and a butt load of other goodies.

• A New York Minute
• BlogHer or Bust. I think I’m busted.
• Child Poverty

So Karen and I are working on amalgamating our design businesses into one. We’ve thought long and hard about the process and what we want to come of it, but being that we’re so far apart (distance wise) and on different schedules – as well as completely distracted by SHINY! – we haven’t had a chance to nail things down.

With Craftastrophe ad revenue and design fees, items are starting to get lost in the PayPal shuffle, and while we try diligently to align our funds and create a stable business model, our work related chats turn into a mess of laughter and utterly and completely off topic. Probably why we’ve been sitting on this daunting task for the past six months, but hey: at least we’re enjoying it!

me: Do we want to make a rate that we chard each other for graphics / coding?

*Instead of ‘drop the Cosby’s at the pool‘ we changed it to ‘drop The Gosselin’s at the pool’ during our LONG drive to the Boston BlogHer Reach Out Tour last fall.

• A New York Minute
• 2011: Suck Less
• Pants Optional

Children we see in our everyday lives are going to bed hungry, attending school without breakfast and eating what they can from the local food banks which are gravely in need of imperishable foods. These children don’t have clothing acceptable for the harsh Canadian winters or are not able to afford uniforms required for some school districts.

One out of six: that’s four of my son’s classmates. Four children I see on a daily basis that are unable to receive the very basic care that a child is entitled.

BlogHers Act Canada is participating in Blog Action Day 2008, please stop by and show your support!

xox

read more >>>

• Today
• Gutted
• I Don’t Normally Ask for Help, But PLEASE! HELP!

You never really know what you had until it’s gone. It’s so unbelievably true; when relationships die it’s extremely painful. My two best friends and I were inseparable during high school I even lived with both of them for a short time when things were rough at home. We experienced many of our firsts together, but when we separated at the time of going off to college things changed. Our lives headed in different directions and as much as we tried to stay together, it just wasn’t happening. The two of them remained inseparable while I was left entirely pushed aside. Though our relationship had gone through some serious bumps, one of them was still my Maid of Honour when Mike and I wed. Though, when she married a couple months later and I was expecting Carter, things changed.

That phone call and the one that followed, I’ll never forget. My heart was broken and I knew then I had lost the friend I considered a sister. When she announced that she was getting married, I too shared with her that I was expecting. We were happy for each other and giddy with anticipation as we discussed our futures, her wedding plans and our anticipated baby names. Just a few days later, she called me to discuss wedding stuff where she mentioned to me that she now didn’t want me to stand up as her Bridesmaid because I was going to be seven months pregnant at the time of the wedding. Being that it was in July she assumed that I would not be able to tolerate the amount of standing and walking that would take place.

As she tried to convince me that this was the best thing for me, I was weeping. I was so disappointed and heart broken as I knew that this was where our relationship was ending and there was nothing I could do about it.

A few months later, after her wedding, when I was in the hospital after giving birth, she called to wish us best, which I was grateful for. But after that I rarely heard from her; she’s never met Carter. Our relationship is very much a thing of the past and I am pretty certain that it’s not ever going to be the same.

It’s so painful. Heart wrenchingly painful.

I never thought that I would really have friends like that again. You know the ones? Where you can share absolutely everything and not even think twice about what comes out of your mouth? The ones that don’t judge you if you’re unshowered, teeth aren’t brushed and can laugh with until you cry?

That was until the weekend. When I finally met them while we traveled to BlogHer Reach Out in Boston.

This weekend I laughed until I cried so much it still hurts. My heart aches now that we’ve gone back to our regular routine, and I feel as though a part of me has left with them and I’m dying to see them again.

• BlogHer or Bust. I think I’m busted.
• A New York Minute
• The Obligatory ZOMG!!!11! #BlogHer09 Post