This past weekend was my very first BlogHer and since I’ve been writing on this site for over three years now, I’ve come to *know* quite a few people. I’ve become very close with a gigantic mitt full of them making it even more surreal to have those people (and more) in the same room at the same time, talking face to face. There’s no other way to describe it other than completely surreal. I mean, you know all about them: their loves, their children, their hard times, their fears and to have never laid eyes on them until that meeting and know exactly who they are is pretty fuckin’ cool.

I can’t remember which night was which nor where I’ve ever had so much fun before.

Krystle (@snarkykisses), Moi and Miss Karen (@karensugarpants) at The Sparklecorn Extravaganza hosted by MamaPop.

photo lifted from Dove Clinical Protection Photo Booth @ MamaPopRocks Sparklecorn Extravaganza

I stayed up all hours of the night living off basic necessities like coffee, pop and free swag food – and free alcohol (DUH!). I think I had one staple meal the entire weekend.

I felt like I was in college again.

Totally hugging on The Michelin Man in the Expo

Totally crushed on people I’ve been reading FOREVER like the GORGEOUS and very sizzle Sizzle.

Me and Sizzle

And her? OMG HER. I would move to Florida and live in a cardboard box just to be with her all the time.

Me and Miss Britt

My Americus twin. I don’t know what more I can say about her besides she’s funny, GORGEOUS and so generous.

Angie and Me. Us. Forever.

Oh, and she likes my bewbs.

My Ali (@alimartell), Me and my Angie, bewb lover (@alotofnothing)

Wednesday night, our BlogHer Carpoolers‘ vehicle arrived. Chevy dropped off a beautiful 2010 Equinox which I immediately fell head over heels for. It’s an amazing drive which I totally pimped out the whole time (because I wanted to, not because they plied me with alcohol and free food). I think I may have even sold it to the gas station attendant I caught drooling all over the hood.

I arrived at Miss Karen Sugarpants‘ house where she greeted me at the door with a beer in hand. Which totally makes up for her calling me a twat. Then I spooned her and snored sweet nothings in her ear for about two hours before we got up and headed out on our eight hour drive to Chicago. Giddy like little high school girls we crossed the border into Americus blaring Britney Spears while Karen earned her new moniker @karengrannypants.

And America? Can you please talk to Target about opening their doors at 7:00am. Kthxbai.

Arrived in Chicago short on hearing (I think @karengrannypants forgot her hearing aid back home because the stereo was louder than loud and my ears were ringing for DAYS) where we met up with my twin, my stalker (WUUUUT?) (P.S. Fuckin’ LOVE her), Miss Shash and my dearest Avitable (Yes, I said dear). A warm welcome indeed.

After finding our room and cracking open our WalMart beer (I never thought I could love WalMart or America more) we met up with Mrs. Flinger (but don’t click that link because Ree has beaten Leslie’s server to a pulp and there’s nothing there.) in the hall as they stuffed bags for the Room 704 Party. Skype doesn’t do that woman justice people. Mrs. Flinger is all kindsa awesomesauce!

Thursday night has become a blur of FINALLY meeting my imaginary friends, parties and swag.

Seriously? What is this swag y’all are talking about? I’ve never even heard of swag. Swag gives me hives.

(If you haven’t listened to Dane Cook’s ‘The Nothing Fight’ then that will mean absolutely nothing to you, just carry on.. we’re walking… we’re walking…)

I know Craftastrophe won a weapon, I drank some beer and walked about six city blocks at 3 o’clock in the morning only to turn around and go back to the hotel.

I paid for a conference pass yet didn’t attend one panel. I’m not sad about that in the least. Because you know what? That conference pass was worth just being a part of those Community Keynotes (Can’t find a link to video at the moment, sorry!) and the Room of Your Own sessions. I stressed a little that I was wasting my money not attending them until that Community Keynote. Then I KNEW why I was there.

Friday night’s Nikon Cocktail Party was totally fabulous. Met some goreous women, and hung out with some of my favourite ladies while I contemplated approaching Carson Kressley but shied away from his lips critisism fame and watched from a distance.

Can I just tell you that party? So well put together, so much fun pretty well the highlight of the trip.

Or so I thought.

Because that was BEFORE I made it to the Sparklecorn Extravaganza.

Oh.

My.

Gah.

I didn’t even get any cake, just a giant unicorn leg of fondant icing.

Unicorn cake. OMFG.

picture from amysprite’s flickr. Go see. She’s AMAZING!

But like Karen said: The party was like a HUGE wedding without all the boring stuff.

And then I went all Gene Simmons on Mrs. Flinger.

So ya. That’s BlogHer.

Ahem.

Oh! And Casey. My dear sweet Casey.

Nothing but perfection.

Another amysprite pic.

________________________

Side Note:

I wanted to thank you all for your outpouring of support during our difficult time in The House of Me. I don’t think I’d be as sane right now if it weren’t for you. So thank you from the bottom of my cold, dark, shriveled heart.

I love you.

There are interviews being conducted with the children starting in two weeks. I haven’t decided if I should be there or just have Carter talked to someone without me there. I’m working through that at the moment.

We close on our new house TODAY. Our internet will be cut from this afternoon until the 11th of August so I have no idea when I’ll be checking in again. I’ll do my best to keep up with e-mails for The Business and I’ll be here and there when my addiction sees that it’s time to head to the nearest WiFi location.

<3

P.S. None of the photos are mine. I’ve stolen each and every one of them. There’s been NO time to download my camera. If you click the photo it will link you to its rightful owner.

The first rule of (Zombie Chicken) is, you do not talk about (Zombie Chicken).

The second rule of (Zombie Chicken) is, you DO NOT talk about (Zombie Chicken).

If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out, (the Zombie Chicken may, at this point feast on your brains. Or your baby).

Two (Zombie Chickens) to a fight.

One fight at a time.

No shirts, no shoes. (No dirty Zombie Chicken peaking or clawing)

Fights will go on as long as they have to (in order to protect your brainz from a Zombie Chicken).

If this is your first (time getting a Zombie Chicken), you have to (participate).

Those may or may not be the rules belonging to a certain club which shall not be mentioned here because even though he’s extremely yummy, Tyler Durden freaks me OUT.

What you need to know about The Zombie Chicken:

“The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the Zombie Chicken – excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…”

Dawg bestowed me with the honour of The Zombie Chicken and I didn’t even have to fight for my life, which, by the way, is TOTALLY awesome. I’m too lazy and would have totally lost which would have meant mah brainz would have been Zombie Chicken chow.

And! Since he wrote such nice lies things about me, I couldn’t NOT participate. I mean seriously? A man that says I am a “high quality persistent blogger making magic happen,”‘ and “while she may not blog everyday, you know that when she does it is well worth the time invested to read it“.

Dawg? Are we reading the same blog?

He’s totally out to get me drunk and make me fight a Zombie Chicken.

If he keeps talking like that I may have to give Poppy a run for her money man.

Alright alright, I know what you’re thinking: GET ON WITH THE SHOW ALREADY!

Seriously, my posts are getting as long as Tanis‘ long and very detailed novels excellent and engrossing posts.

Today I bestow the honour of The Zombie Chicken on a select few of my favourite bloggers.

Whether she bringing Teh Funny or spilling her guts to Teh Interwebs, Y of Joy Unexpected always pulls me in. It’s like we’re sitting on the couch together just having a conversation, friend-to-friend while sipping our eighth margarita tea and hanging out like we’ve known each other for years. She’s one of the first sites I began reading and is still one of the first I go to each day time she posts.

:::

I can’t remember how I happened upon Matt’s blog, but over 8 months ago, shortly after Madeline arrived, I started reading and have been hooked ever since. Matt, Liz, and Madeline is not a typical parenting blog by any means. In the beginnings its purpose was to keep distant family in the loop on Liz’s pregnancy. Then, shortly – and I mean SHORTLY, after Madeline’s birth Matt’s world crashed down around him. He bravely let us follow along as he’s worked tirelessly to try and pick up the pieces all while sharing with us, his undying love for Liz and their beautiful daughter Maddy.

:::

Mama Tulip is my homegirl. Whether she’s telling the funniest stories I’ve ever read, or sharing her love for her mother, tulip makes me cry. Not only is she absolutely amazing on her blog, she’s just as fantastic in person. I really can’t say enough about her. She embodies grace, love and is just about one of the funnest people I know. It is an honour to call her a friend.

:::

This one is a twofer, and is also kind of a given because we all have witnessed their strength and grace over the past month. Heather Spohr is a woman that I 100% wholeheartedly look up to. Ever since Maddie’s very early entrance into our world both Heather and Mike have been so attentive, compassionate and STRONG. Steadfast advocates for Maddie’s well being, their daughter thrived and knew more love that I ever thought humanly possible. Both Heather and Mike encompass everything it means to be a loving parent. I love them both to itty bitty pieces.

:::

And, last but certainly NOT least. No list in complete with out Avitable. When I first found Adam (back in the days of I Talk Too Much) I was really um…. scared. I found him to be very intimidating and thought he would surely hate me, even tearing me apart and spit me out. He taught me about bestiality and many more unmentionable things creeping around the internet which I can never truly thank him enough for. Really. NEVER.

I know he’s going to hate that I’m breaking down his tough guy image, but over the past year or so Adam has truly shown how huge his heart really is (especially over the last month or so – take this for instance). Amidst the love for sharing beastiality videos and some hate-filled rants there is a gentle and very kind man who I have developed a soft spot for.

There you have it. In an OMG-Tanis-for-the-love-of-god-wrap-it-up-already length post, I share with you those whom are worth of the Zombie Chicken.

Maybe another day. Because for now I am frustrated and lost my mojo.

I had a post, it was going well.. the browser froze and it’s all gone.

In this day and age of Teh Internets you’d think “they”‘d be able to do something about fuckin’ browsers freezing. “They” can send a man to the moon, even a damn robot to Mars,  but “they” can’t make a stupid computer browser work?

I’m at a loss people.

Toilet paper.

{ image }

Are you a toilet paper waster? Do you roll it around your hand and use half the roll, or do you sparingly use a couple sheets?

Let’s discuss.

Yup. You’ve read that correctly. I am in love with a couple of gay men.

I believe I’ve always had a soft spot for homosexual men. I’m not quite sure why, but Colin McAllister and Justin Ryan are my two most favourite gays. Ask Karen Sugarpants, I talk about these two constantly.

I can’t tell you why or how this affinity for gay men came about, but as far as I can remember, I’ve had a feeling of comfort with them – which is even more strange because I don’t have any openly gay men close to me (Well, accept if you count my neighbours – but they are only close in proximity.).

It gets weirder.

I even have a sexual attraction to these two. I KNOW! Them and all their flamboyant gay-ness make me hot. I can’t even explain it, nor do I really care for an explanation, I just revel in the fact that they are gorgeous, funny and passionate. So neither of them have an interest in women. Small detail.

About six years ago I asked Mike to go with me to the gay pride parade to which he begrudgingly obliged.  Mike is not a homophobic person, but he is not comfortable like I am; he was not looking forward to this ‘adventure’. Even though he’d never admit it, I believe he was just a little curious about how the whole thing would go down; the whole time, he stood quietly at my side, even holding my hand tightly – I assume to ward off those prowling gays because they’re like vampires, yanno *rolleyes* – and even kept his usual derogatory comments to himself.

Nothing really significant happened that year and I was able to convince him to go with my the following year.

This time? This time was a little different.

As the parade passed us by, we stood on the sidelines, close to the route.

I kinda peaked out of the corner of my eye and noticed that he was smiling and seemed to actually be enjoying himself. Who knew this macho man’s man would enjoy a highly flamboyant event such as the Pride Parade? But! That all came to a crashing halt when a man, dressed as a fairy – covered in glitter, in a speedo and wearing wings – approached Mike with a watering can labeled ‘fairy dust’.

I think you can guess what happened next….

The guy sprinkled his dust atop Mike’s head.

As Mike’s face changed rapidly from enjoying his time to utterly pissed off and I began worrying what the outcome was going to be. The headlines flashed through my mind: A gay basher beating up a homosexual in the midst of the Pride Parade.

Not good.

I held my breath as the fairy passed.

I watched Mike’s expression soften a little as I smiled at him.

I think he likes you! Maybe he thought you were hot and could change you so that you could be boyfriends. I teased.

Mike glared at me, which only made me laugh more.

Fuck. you. He spat out. We’re NEVER coming here AGAIN.

I was almost in tears I was laughing so hard.

Needless to say that was our last Pride Parade.

He doesn’t speak of The Incident, but I believe it still haunts him because every time he sees Colin and Justin come on the television his eyes glaze over and he leaves the room.

{ images from HGTV.ca }

As we pulled into the parking space, Carter pipes up: That’s where the boy fell because his Mommy wasn’t paying attention. I was a little shocked that he remembered the incident and also that he was so quick to blame the mom.

Why is everything mom’s fault?

Sufficed to say, it kinda hit a nerve with me.

If dinner’s not on the table, laundry is not washed and *someone* can’t find socks / a belt / underwear / a shirt it’s because of something the mom has or has not done. Even with all the talk of gender equality and co-parenting, there seems to be this undefined line which isn’t crossed – like it’s invasion in mom’s territory or something.

A few friends of mine have fallen into the very gender traditional roles; child rearing, cooking laundry and what have you, and I don’t want to say cater, but cater to their husbands. For them, it’s what they want, they’re happy and that’s fantastic. It’s not for me.

I am not happy when I am called to see what’s for dinner, when I’m asked if I’ve washed his work clothes yet. I instantly get upset: I can’t help it, a knee jerk reaction. I’m on the defensive immediately. Maybe I find it degrading or sexist? I dunno. Don’t get me wrong, I will do these things, but as soon as it’s requested of me it irks me.

Mike’s commented before about co-workers whose wives make their lunches daily. I do not and have not ever made his lunch, nor do I wash his work clothes; but for some reason I feel guilty when he mentions it. I feel as though I am not fulfilling my “duties” as a wife. I’m not keeping my husband happy by providing what he requests of me. How 1950’s is THAT!?

Maybe my house would be cleaner, activities would be better organized and I would be happier if I just changed my tune. I can’t tell you why I take it to heart the way I do, I’m just hardwired to be independent and refuse to cater to a man I suppose, I can’t think of any other reason for it aside from just being plain ass lazy. Maybe I was a housemaid is a previous life?

What about you? Are you happy to do the “stereotypical mom duties” or are you like me and revolt?

I’ve been lax on handing out the linky love lately. These past few weeks, instead of charming you with my wit and undying humour *cough*bullshit!*cough* I’ve been working on getting out a few designs (that have been waiting Patiently! in the wings. I’ve managed to complete one so far.) before I go on vacation on Friday. Yup. End of summer vacation. Finally.

Carter, my dad, step-mom and I are driving (did you get that? d r i v i n g) to Myrtle Beach for two weeks. Mike is not coming. Mike has to work. Mike cannot afford to take vacation anymore this year because Mike has been off work for two MONTHS already this year and we’re really feeling it.

So much so I felt the need to buy a new-to-me iPod on Ebay. *ahem* It’s to help me survive the drive; you understand, right?

Over that last month of so I’ve been given a few bloggy awards! (Check them out under Blog Love in the sidebar. No, the other sidebar. Yup. That one.) Go! Me! and I’ve yet to hand out the love to my fellow bloggers: that brings me to today.

How much better could I possibly get? I mean, a give you Quicktabs and Top! Commentators, and a chance to win a DELL with me (you know you can guess more then once, right?).. and now, Linky Love? (If I’m not on your blog roll I should be.)

I’m going on vacation! *w00t!*

So I have a Nice Blogger Award x 2 and a I Love Your Blog Award x 3 = a lot of damn links (29 I think).

[If you click on said awards in the sidebar you'll notice that they link back to the person who awarded them (the newer ones anyway. I thought that was a nice way to give back.]

[Oh! and that's no way a hint that I think you should do the same for me.]

[But it would be nice! ]

Am I Going Mad or Am I Just a Mommy?, Chicky Chicky Baby, cool beans, kellementology, Lawyer Mama, Here In Idaho, Tramps Like Us, Toddler Planet, Thoughts-N-Wonders, The Kids Are Alright, talking2myself, Plain Jane Mom Blog, NINJA POODLES!, Mom O Matic, Misadventures of (Mommy) Laural, It’s A Schmitty Life, Emma Sometimes, Cheaper Than Therapy, Binkytown, A Misplaced Life, Suburban Oblivion, sweatpantsmom, Spin Me I Pulsate, Simplified Sweetness, Playgroups are No Place For Children, Poot and Cubby, Where am I going…and why am I in this handbasket?, Velveteen Mind, Attack of the Redneck Mommy and Blog Chocolate

I love all 255 of you that I try and read regularly. You’ve all got a special place in my Google Reader.

But! For the purpose of this post, I must select the few that have really stuck with me and I skip over everything in my reader (like you, Sorry!) to read .

She is one of the funniest ladies out there. No matter the topic of her post, she can usually make me crack a smile. Absolutely Bananas is just that. Completely Bananas and I love her (blog).

She’s a given. I don’t think there’s a single person that doesn’t love Amalah; she’s a stinkin’ hoot – even when she drops her beloved iPhone in the Toilet.

Haley-O is thee Cutest Blogger Evah! Her posts are always so pleasant and cheery. They always help me get out of my IHateTheWorld Attitude first thing in the a.m.

Moosh In Indy’s Casey is someone that I could (and will) sit and talk with for hours (at BlogHer 2008). She’s so funny, and thinks I’m smart because I brought mooshinindy back from the gates of Error500 Hell.

Because we both laugh at mullets and fart, I need not say more. Mrs. Flinger is my hero. Period.

One of the first bloggers that I ever started reading, I feel in love with all over again when she posted a video of her at BlogHer talking about a bird pooping on her before a session (Hey Zoot, yeah that was me spending all that time rooting through your archives for the video. I’m not stalkerish that much?). Miss Zoot is adorable! *wringing hands* Oh, I hope she leaves a comment!

Minivan Mafia’s Jenn has a hot design: I found her during her hiatus and she’s dang funny! Check her out!

She’s my doppleganger.

She’s everyone’s favourite, and when I have bloggy trouble she’s there to help – whether she likes it or not.

I found Sassy just recently and I heart her so bad. The story about getting change back from the cashier was pee-my-pants worthy. Or The Doll? Hahahaha! She’s a stinkin’ hoot too!

I can’t get enough of her.

Heart her like no other.

*phew*

I think that about covers it. I know I forgot som, but I just don’t have it in me to link anymore. Sorry, next time, M’kay?

Now get reading!

Hey, do my a favour? If you have any interesting! or fun! podcasts to send me way can you please do so. I’d like to add them to my new-to-me iPod when it comes this week. (Dammit, it better come this week!)

Vacay in 6 days! *w00t!*

Gettin’ my grove on at BlogHer in Second Life. Get your hot little buns over here and hang out with me!

The name’s HerSizzle Winkler!

If you’re participating in BlogHer in Second Life, leave me your name in the comments!

Can’t wait to “meet” you!

Know why? Because today’s my blogiversary! (and I’m sick, so I need love. *cough, cough*)

 Gimme a break, there’s only some much you can do with the stupid Paint program. *pppft.*

So I had this great little plan all set up and I would have tons! o! enthusiasm! for you. But to be honest; I’m totally faking it. Oh! Yes! I’m! So! Excited!

Really.

But! I still wanna have fun and it may even be at the expense of you or your loved ones (which is even better).

For my blogiversary I am giving away a design for your site!!! You read it right people! Freeeee design from Temptation Designs! You’re dying to know how to get it aren’t you?

I wanna hear about the most thoughtful/embarrassing/horrible thing you’ve overheard (or been overheard saying) in a baby monitor. That’s right! A baby monitor because you know that someone always leaves that damn thing on and there’s always someone else to overhear something they maybe shouldn’t. Because that’s never happened to me. *ahem*

To be eligible you need to do the following:

1. Post an entry on your site by Friday, July 20th,11:59pm.

2. Include a link back to this site as well as Temptation Designs! with the following phrase:

“I’m dishing the baby monitor dirt for a free design from Temporarily Me and Temptation Designs!”

3. Leave a comment on this post with a link to your entry.

** Entrants are eligible for a Blogger Classic design (still can be used for New Blogger if you’re not a techno-tard) OR for a Wordpress theme on it’s own hosted domain (cannot be a wordpress.com site). The site must be up and running on it’s own domain already.

** The winner will be selected at random. (I will write all the names out and let Carter pick the winner.)

(I don’t think I left anything out, but if I did I have the right to change it without notice – but I’ll highlight and bold it for you, m’kay? Since, well, this is my blog and I’m on drugs.)