If you’re following me on twitter, you may have witnessed my breakdown on Friday.

Preparing for a dinner date with Mike, I had to pump some milk for Hudson. He was going to be spending a couple hours at the daycare for a special evening where they have the children and their siblings stay until 10pm for a mini sleepover-like party: friends, pizza and movies in their pj’s.

I was also trying out the new MilkBank Vacuum Storage System for my Parent Bloggers review (check it out here - THERE’S A GIVEAWAY!!) so I got out my pump – which I fuckin’ HATE doing – and managed to get a good six ounces of milk.

I placed the pump on the counter forgetting to use the base on the bottle and before I knew it the whole thing fell over and milk spewed everywhere.

I watched the liquid gold flow along the grout lines in my ceramic tiles as I envisioned myself sucking it up and spitting it back into the bottle; cupping it in my hands and pouring it back in; getting the turkey baster to suck it up.

Even as a tumbleweed of cat hair lodged itself in the travelling liquid I thought – for a millisecond – about just picking it out. Yes, seriously.

Then I was forced to accept defeat. I mean, I couldn’t feed this to my child anymore.

But it’s not like he’s an infant anymore. A little dirt won’t hurt, right?

I grabbed a stack of paper towels to clean up the mess.

I could wring the paper towel out into the bottle maybe…

I took a deep breath and covered it, watching it slowly seep through – the tears started.

I cried over split milk.

And I’d do it again.

** I’m giving away a MilkBank Vacuum Storage System over at my review site, Glamorous Geek. Please stop by and leave a comment for your chance to win one of your own! Giveaway ends Saturday at 12pm EST. **

:::

Grace in Small Things: Part 10 of 365

1. Sick babies – only because they’re both SLEEPING
2. Sunshine on a cold brisk winter’s morning
3. Finding my car parked at the end of the driveway when, for a brief moment I thought it was stolen
4. Finishing Maggie’s new site Violence UnSilenced
5. A stolen moment of cuddles with my very active three year old

I’m not all that great at accepting compliments. More often than not, I blow them off as people just being nice, or polite. I try hard to be grateful for their generousity and friendliness, but I’ve always tend to look for alterior motives.

I know, right? Cynical.

I see too many faults, always. It’s just human nature, I think; but if I have a good hair day I can’t just LOVE the fact that my hair looks great – I look for a fault in something else.

I hate it. I hate being so hard on myself. I want to love myself – including my faults – and that’s what today and tomorrow are all about, thanks to my friend Hilly.

Here’s how the whole thing works:

1.) You’re gonna grab yourself a banner.  If you don’t like this one used in this post, you can find another one here.

2.) You’re gonna post that banner and then tell us all something that you really like love about yourself (thus, the “self-love” portion of our program).

3.) Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!!  If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

4.)  Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing this on your blog!  If you want to, drop (Hilly) a line or a trackback so that (she) knows you participated too!

So, one thing I love about myself?

My sense of humour. I LOVE MY SENSE OF HUMOUR.

I love to laugh and have fun with friends and family. I love to laugh until I cry; until my stomach aches and I can’t breathe. I love to make people laugh.

Now, it’s your turn.

Tell me something you love about me. (please)

Something wonderful and fantabulous about ME! (please)

(I feel awkard, so awkward asking this of you. I love to make people feel great about themselves, but I just feel so weird about asking for it…)

And…

Happy Valentine’s Day!

:::

I’ve been really behind on my Grace in Small Things. But I need to do this.

Grace in Small Things: Part 9 of 365

(at this rate, I’m never going to get through this…)

1. A sleeping baby – because dammit that kid will NOT sleep at night.
2. A baby’s sweet head resting on my shoulder – FALLING ASLEEP
3. Baby snores AS HE’s SLEEPING
4. Baby sighs as he’s FALLING ASLEEP
5. Sleeping in my bed. Alone. Sleeping, not coddling, not rocking, not patting. Just SLEEPING.

P.S. I need sleep. And LOTS of it.

P.S.S. I wrote this post quickly last night as I headed to bed, and last night turned out to be the WORST that we’ve had in a long time. Nothing could calm him restlessness and we didn’t get to bed until 5am.

P.S.S.S. He’s now napping in his crib. I am not tired at the moment, but will be the instant he wakes up.

P.S.S.S.S. I’ve been trying to catch up on the house and work and my other site while dealing with family drama.

P.S.S.S.S.S. Well hasn’t this just turned into a pity party. What a douchebag I am.

P.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sorry I’m feeling sorry for myself at the moment.

P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. I need wine. Yes?

I used to have a fascination with dreams and what they meant. After reading a few different websites, books and talking to people about their dreams I was quickly turned off by the inconsistencies of what our dreams meant.

My grade eight speech about about dreams and sleep patterns, I only wish I knew where it was so I could read it again.

Once and a while I will have a dream that peaks my curiosity all over again and the cycle starts over. I become interested, I start looking and then get discouraged by the results until the next time I have a vivid dream.

Last night I dreamt about my teeth falling out. Over the years I have had so many of these dreams; sometimes I’m wearing braces still and they all come out together, attached by the wires and brackets. Other times they’re just loose and even the act of talking brings them popping out one by one: never any blood.

I’ve had these dreams so often I now have a fear of losing my teeth.

More often than not, loss of teeth in a dream typically signifies self-consciousness and uncertainty.

Searching this morning, I came across this:

If feelings of loss of control, helplessness or powerlessness accompany your tooth loss dream, the dream is typically acting as a mirror of a situation in waking life.

I’ve recently been feeling loss of control and helplessness when it comes to my marriage, again. The bickering is out of control and more often than not our conversations quickly turn into fights. We’ve been under a ton of stress since Mike’s job loss in December (we’re in the midst of trying to catch up) and our only recourse has been to fight through it.

Not exactly condusive to a happy home.

Dreams of tooth loss coupled with anxiety reflect a fear of change, fear of transition. Ask yourself if there is some transition that you are fearful of making.

A transition I’m fearful of making? Maybe returning to work? Not so much fearful as unwanted.

The other thing that’s been weighing on my mind is death (of course) and my lack of preparations; we still have nothing in order, aside from life insurance, should something happen to either – or both – of us. What will happen to our children should we pass away? Who would care for them? If we don’t have thing in order, will there be a fight for custody of them; will they end up in foster care?

I also haven’t thought about my arrangements. Cremation? Burial?

These thoughts can definitely lead to tooth loss in ones subconscious, no?

:::

Grace in Small Things: Part 8 of 365

1. warm towels after a shower
2. laundry folded and put away
3. chocolate milk
4. having my hair washed at the salon
5. reading a book in bed

Grace in Small Things: Part 7 of 365

1. standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon at dusk
2. sleeping in
3. new shoes
4. not watching commercials thanks to my PVR
5. Hudson falling asleep in my arms

Grace in Small Things: Part 6 of 365

1. date squares
2. Carter dancing to “If I Had a Million Dollars”
3. sunny skies
4. baby giggles
5. snuggles with my puppy dog

I LOVE that someone with the handle “Sticky” won a giveaway for a sex toy!

Congratulations Sticky!!

Bwahahahahaha

So…. now dear friends, I implore you to help me find a toy.

Edenfantasys.com – who provided the item for this giveway has some great items on their site and I would love if you could help me find something for …. ME!

Never in my life did I never think I would be asking Teh Internetz to find me a vibrator, what has my life come to?

I thought this one may be good for a um – beginner, but I am totally taken in by this one.

Got some time and won’t get caught searching? Her a girl out, wouldya?

Grace in Small Things:  Part 5 of 365

1. Soft lips (No, we’re not talking about sex anymore.)
2. L’Oreal Paris Infallible Foundation
3. Fresh bedding
4. Driving in the spring with the windows down
5. Raspberries

OMG my ovaries. This child makes me want more babies; more than ever before.

Grace in Small Things: Part 4 of 365

1. White Chocolate Macadamea Nut cookie dough – fuck the cookies, just gimme the dough
2. my Sony A100
3. L´Oreal Serie Expert Vitamino Color Shampoo
4. American Eagle jogging pants
5. talking on the phone for HOURS with her

When your husband come out of the bedroom questioning you if his jeans shrunk in the wash because they feel pretty tight, then only to realize they’re not his jeans, but YOUR jeans.

P.S. They’re my postpartum  jeans.

P.P.S. I’m not fat.

P.P.P.S. I’m big boned.

P.P.P.P.S And no, that’s not just what fat people say because they’re fat. I really have a larger skeletal frame.

Grace in Small Things: Part 3 of 365

1. lemon meringue pie
2. Dirty Dancing on stage –> seriously gave me chills; I fuckin’ LOVED it.
3. Jolly Jumper Cuddle Bag
4. Skullcandy Smokin’  Buds – in pink. I’ve never loved earbuds until now.
5. My beautiful keychain wristlet

:::

You’ve got only a few hours remaining until the giveaway closes!

Updated: Apparently I should read my feeds before creating a post because when I think I have a great!, funny! idea, it would so happen that I post it on the same day as Jenny, The Bloggess – my  blog crush – *waves* Hi Jenny! What up? Can’t wait for your BlogHer vagina party! *fist bump*

Now this posts just makes me look like a total copy cat loser and I totally fuckin’ destroyed her awesome (Destroying her awesome is pretty well impossible, but get the jist – and if you don’t? Well could could get a fist). I just mulched a funny into a clusterfuck of crap. Do yourself a favour and just go read over there. She cuts and pastes and shit. Totally better.

In keeping up with this week’s theme, I thought I’d share this little tidbit with you.

Just picture it: Barack, Michelle and the children sitting down to dinner in their new White House dining room. Maybe a television on near by to hear the latest news and stories about Barack’s first couple days in office only to hear mention of Barack and fisting in the same sentence ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

What? Don’t look at my like that, it’s entirely plausible.

Actually it’s a true story.

I shit you not!

An honest mistake: Fisting vs.  Fist BUMPING.

What do you wanna wager that she lost her job??

Now, remember to get your butts over HERE and leave a comment to win a sleek new pocket rocket.

And I’ve decided to jump in and get one, so I’m reading up on your recommendations. *blushes*

See? PRUDE.

And…

Because I know you love it so much…

Grace in Small Things: Part 2 of 365

1. Banana Nut Bread scented candles
2. Pureed prunes
3. Grande Non-fat Chai Tea Latte
4. Body Shop Body Butter – Satsuma
5. Stupid reporters that say fisting on air when they really mean fist bumping

Six weeks Mike’s been without work. Six mother humping weeks.

FYI: There was no mother humping taking place, for realz.

Six weeks of my husband being around 24/7 and to tell you the truth, save a couple of tense moments, it was actually really nice. Being out numbered in the children to parent ratio can be very daunting on the best of days so to have that back up was more or less fuckin’ fantastic!

But today, Mike’s got a damn job. FINALLY! Today, before the break of dawn he was up scrapping off his car, warming it up and getting out on the highway while I snuggled in bed with a clingy little infant baby – who by the way we call The Stage Five Clingerâ„¢ because this kid? This kid looses his shit entirely if you leave the room or are out of touching range.

Yes. AGAIN. The Hot Fuzzâ„¢ has returned. WITH A VENGEANCE!

Fuck.

As The Stage Five Clingerâ„¢ and I cuddled in bed, the phone began ringing. As I rolled over to look at the time – 6:00am – I figured it could only be one person calling at the ungodly hour so I did what any concerned wife would do.

Rolled over and went back to sleep.

Then it rang again.

And as this concerned wife does, I cursed him for being a douchebag as I made my way out of the warm comforts of my bed to locate a phone.

Srsly? THREE fuckin’ phones in the house and not one can be found? STOP RINGING!

I answered with a friendly morning greeting. “What?”

His reply: “We have a situation.”

A situation? Who do you think you are Jack Bauer or something? Who the hell says that? ‘We have a situation?’ Situation. *pffft*

(Yes. I am extremely bitter and angry when I’m woken up.)

That “situation” turned out to be a tire blowout on the highway caused by the suspension coil snapping.

Thankfully he made it safely to the side of the road and called a tow without any other major mishaps.

But did I mention he’s been off work for SIX MOTHER HUMPING WEEKS!

We’re down to our last couple hundred dollars and then this?

I’m pretty certain that should there be a God, he’s totally laughing at us right now because if he didn’t laugh? He’d be crying too.

I am grateful that Mike’s alright and no one was harmed, but still, it seriously SUCKS.

Speaking of being grateful. Today’s post was going to be dedicated to Schmutzie’s baby Grace in Small Things, which I have decided to be a part of this year. The gist of it, as described by Schmutzie:

Grace in Small Things exists because the world we live in is loud and harsh and bright and demanding, and it is easy to slide into a less than thoughtful survival mode in which we do what we have to do to make it through the day with the least amount of strife possible. We allow it to rob us of the time and energy to be mindful of ourselves and those we love and to recognize the grace that exists in small things.

It is with this thought that I, Schmutzie, have created Grace In Small Things. Every day for 365 days, I will post a list of five things that have graced my life, either on that day or at any time in my life. Feel free to join us here. Or mock us. Or, you know, do whatever is in your heart. You can start on whatever day you want, so if you come across this six months from now, don’t let that hold you back.

I challenge you to give Grace in Small Things a shot, because life is too short and love is large.

So each day over the next 365 days (if I remember and don’t cop out), I’ll be sharing five small things that I am grateful for.

Starting now.

Grace in Small Things: Part 1 of 365

1. Mike’s safe and sound after this morning’s situation. *snort* (The snort is at ’situation’ not Mike’s safety, so you know.)
2. Coffee makers with a timer. (Duh.)
3. Microfiber socks
4. Four hours of consecutive sleep
5. Understanding new bosses who are alright with their new employee being late on their first day.