I had a snow day today. Not that there was TONS of snow, but the perfect combination of snow and ice plus a husband stuck out of town which made it impossible for me to get out of the driveway and on my way to work this morning.

Carter and I hung out in our pajamas for the morning playing with his building blocks and train table. I normally shy away from being any form of entertainment for my child, I’d rather he develop an independent personality and have the ability to entertain himself. Though, with this new baby on the way, I’ve been feeling a little melancholy about the idea of having to share; normal feelings, I know. I just feel that I haven’t given Carter enough of the one on one time that he deserves and now it’s going to be cut back more when the baby gets here.

We snuggled, shared grapes and laughed at each other’s silly faces all morning while many of my adult counterparts struggled through the miles of horrible traffic and frigid temperatures.

Snow days rock!

During nap time I was able to have time to sit down and complete a design for a very patient client. A wonderful, caring and sympathetic lady who let me delay her design until I was feeling well enough to get back at it. I can’t tell you how great it felt to put my mushy mom/pregnancy brain to work again. I can’t get enough of the challenges of troubleshooting during designing. I just wish that my skills were strong enough to get me some full time work in the field. I fear that if I was to try and take designing on as a full time job, the stress of finding work and paying the bills would ruin it for me. I enjoy that I don’t rely on the income and that I can take my time making sure that it’s something I’m proud to sell someone.

I am feeling more and more like my old self these days. I can’t even explain what a relief that is!

Because seriously, I am ready to have this pregnancy over after seeing so many CUTE babies lately! I just wanna hold mine now!

When I was pregnant with Carter I was so sad not to be pregnant anymore once he arrived: and no, not because I actually had to take care of a child and lose sleep, but it was just really nice being knocked up. I like the feeling of movements, hiccups and twists; but this time? Not so much. I find each movement a little uncomfortable and each kick painful. Maybe it’s the constant illnesses that have ruined it for me, or the fact that I am achy and tired all the time.

Only 106 days to go.

[blank stare]

I am even more ready for Maternity Leave this time as well, though this time I feel a little bit guilty. Imagine that. I’ve only been back to work for about a year and a half and I’m taking another full year off. As wonderful as it is, it’s taken me this long to get back into the routine of work while parenting and to leave again? It’s a little sad.

I said little.

Though, I will have the opportunity to concentrate on designing and building a decent client base and well… we’ll see…. that’s if I can get any clients after the hiatus I’ve taken. *shakes head* Even thinking about it makes me upset, sad, guilty that I’ve worked so hard to get it going and then seems like I’ve dropped it. It’s really hard to not do it, but at the same time, I just can’t spend the time, and I don’t have the energy for it at the moment.

That’s why I’m in the midst of talking to my dear bloggy friend Leslie (aka Mrs. Flinger) about designing something for me. I need a change, something to inspire me to blog more (since whenever I see my blog I feel blah and totally lose my creative edge. *cough* So hopefully she comes up with something really cool, and really me that will get me back into writing and sharing more often. I’d love to showcase more photos I’ve taken and lots of colour, yet completely inviting - so that even I want to be here!

I need change.

Change is good.

Change is revitalizing.

Embrace change.

Once again, I can’t thank you enough. Your kind words over the past week (or so) have been really heartwarming. I never thought that blogging would bring such wonderful people into my life. I am truly grateful for each and every one of you.

The only thing that’s really keeping me from writing at the moment is work and my damn desktop. I’m so busy at work lately, and blogging at home has become virtually impossible (even though I’m trying right now while sitting on a HUGE pillow) since: a) Mike CONSTANTLY hogs the computer playing World of Warcraft and b) Dude, I got a fuckin’ wood chair to sit on. Normally it’s not so bad, but lately, I just can’t handle it and find myself in pain even just looking at the damn chair.

I am really missing writing regularly. Though it’s nothing articulate or educational, it clears my mind and helps me relax a little. I can bitch and moan whine share my feelings that I would otherwise keep bottled up and I feel better. That’s what counts.

So. I really need a laptop (yes, still griping about that one) or a better chair.

I think I have to get the laptop, no?

Things are better around home lately. Mike’s mood swings and all around shitty behaviour have curbed a bit lot, making him far more tolerable. Carter’s not being a shit and I just seem to be copping a little better at the moment, though I sleep a lot and and really uncomfortable already. I don’t know how I’m going to survive the next 3 months if I’m THIS uncomfortable already. Seriously, there’s going to be A. Lot. of bitching around here.

Belly is BIG. Had my 20 week ultrasound a month late. Found out the sex, and no. I’m not sharing.

I have ultrasound images to share too, but they have to wait. I’m too damn lazy to go out to the car in this shitty storm for them. You can wait another day or two - whenever I decide to post again.

Until then lovelies. Don’t forget about me!

God willing, I may actually have some ambition time to post more often.

Sorry for the sporadic posting and nothing of interest lately. I am really just not feeling it lately; in fact, I’m not feeling much.

Winter blues combined with seemingly endless illness has brought my depression on - full strength. I have no ambition to do anything, I find myself spending most of my time lazing on the couch or sleeping. I feel weighted down, like I’m just a burden on everyone.

Mike and I have been constantly bickering and arguing over the simplest things and it’s tiring - and trying. I can’t handle being called a nag and a bitch all. the. time. Even when - what I think - is a small task is requested of him, he loses his shit saying that I’m constantly nagging and never shut up. Maybe he’s right and I just don’t see it. I mean, I don’t think I’m asking too much of someone to bring the cars back in the driveway after he shovels instead of leaving them in the road. Or even a simple question like, “Did you change Carter’s bum after nap” has him exploding at me like I’m treating him like a child.

Yes, we’re both in rough places right now with him trying to quit smoking and me sick and pregnant, but it’s far more trying when we’re at each other like this all the time.

I’m seriously ready to pack my shit and leave for the next 4 months. I don’t know that I can continue to live like this. I want a marriage left once everything’s all said and done. I want a family for my children - not what we have at this moment.

So, that’s where I am. To save you the woe is me posts and, for me, the realization that everyone really has their own shit to deal with, my problems meaning very little … I’ll be here and there but for now, mostly, there.