Hey hey, I’m back. Depressed to be back, but I’m here. In the real world, sitting at my desk, debating whether or not I should open my work email and see what’s been happening while I basked in the the glorious sun of Myrtle Beach for two weeks.

We’ve scheduled our trip and booked the room for next year already. I can’t tell you how much we loved it there. Carter was an absolute angel the whole time and even in the car! I couldn’t believe it. I totally have to dry hump the leg of the Portable DVD player Inventor because without that thing Carter would have lost his mind strapped into that car seat for as long as he was.

Pictures are to come. I haven’t had time to download the card yet, but oh, there will be pictures.

I feel so far out of the loop in the blog world. The time I had away from the computer was a Godsend though. It was so freeing and wonderful not to think about having to post something or what stats are like. Plus, having the wonderful blogsitters that were here made it all the more relaxing knowing my place was in good hands. I hope you enjoyed their company and everyone played nice. Take a break. It’s liberating I tell you. You should try it some time.

Now on to more important news.

I’ve re-designed this site slightly (as you may have noticed if you’re not in a reader) since October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Pink is the new brown for Temporarily Me this month. All in the name of a great cause for some wonderful women who have fought a brave battle against this horrible, horrible disease. With one person in particular who has brought Breast Cancer to the fore front and has done everything she can to educated more people. I applaud her. She’s in the midst of the fight of her life and she still takes time to educate more of us. Amazing. Truly Amazing woman.

I challenge you to make some changes. Go Pink for October. Support Breast Cancer Awareness.

Speaking of re-designs. Temptation Designs has also had a face lift, and I say it was way past due. I’ve been working on it for months trying to squeeze it in between client’s designs, vacation, work, etc. But I took some much needed time yesterday (while I cleared my brain and prepared for real work) to finish it up and get it live. Go take a look around.

I’m also taking orders for the end of October and November if you’re interested!

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As part of the Parent Bloggers Network, I’ve been waiting and waiting to complete my very first review, and it’s now up!!! If you’re interested, pop by my review site and take a look! Yay for my first review as part of PBN!

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You didn’t think that was all the news, did you… because this would be pretty damn lame now wouldn’t it?

It’s more then just a movie title in the House of Me. *wink*

Dear Carter,

Two years ago my life changed forever. I knew having a  child was a HUGE commitment. I knew I would love you and protect you and cherish all our moments together.

I just didn’t know how much.

I couldn’t even fathom exactly what you have come to mean to me; I don’t think anyone really does until they hold their child for the first time. I hope one day you too will know the love of having children and watching them grow.

I didn’t think I would be this sad today. Birthdays, around our house, have become just another day. But this day is different.  This day signifies that you are no longer my little newborn baby, but an independent and headstrong toddler full of will and determination, already. You’ll always be mama’s little boy; but you’re not my baby anymore.

For today, you are two.

I had thought of a full long drawn out post  including photos and little excerpts of what your life has meant to me so far, but I’m finding it hard to gather the words without it sounding forced. I am unbelievably choked up about the fact that you’re now two. I wasn’t expecting this to hit me so hard today; I’m completely unprepared.[Maybe this is how Daddy feels about his looming 30th birthday!?]

Just know that Mama and Daddy (or Mike as you call him) love you ever so much and always will.

Love you SweetPea, and Happy Birthday!

Love, Mama

xox

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I never shared Carter’s birth story here before. It’s just never really come up in *conversation* before and I don’t tend to doddle on it that much since it was pretty hellish. But here it is, for those interested:

The day I was due to go into labour came and was nearly gone without even a twinge. I was bound and determined to have this baby! After months of stabbing nightmarish pain in my groin, it had come to the point where I could barely even dress myself without collapsing in tears. 

Saturday night: August 20, 2005, Mike and I went on a date to get my mind off the fact that I had yet to go into labour and that I was so miserable.  I opted for “Hell’s Kitchen” from East Side Mario’s… I was still trying anything to get this labour going, and I love hot foods, so why not. Up to this point, I tried teas, walking, sex, baths, everything. I remember asking the server to make sure it was extra hot. 

I stick to the thought that it seemed to have worked, because at 4:45am I woke up with pretty strong contractions about 8 minutes apart. At 12:15pm I couldn’t take the pain anymore on my own and we made our way to the hospital; but not without a stop at the bank first. I don’t know why, but I encouraged Mike to stop because we need! money for parking.

Who the hell takes the word of a crazy pregnant lady in labour anyways? *ppft*

By the time we arrived, my contractions were 4 minutes apart and lasting for what seemed like EVER! 

Once admitted and in triage I was 3cm at about 1pm, and 4cm by 2pm .. seemed to be going alright… I got my epidural with a spinal and after talking to the nurse, we were expecting this baby to arrive by 10pm.

By 4pm I started to feel contractions on my right side, intensifying every time. The anesthesiologist came back and pulled my spinal catheter out a little to see if that would fix it, but they only increased and intensified to the point where only my left thigh left frozen.  By 8pm I was having full on contractions; the anesetheologist was conveniently in surgery and would be able to come back for a couple hours. 

At this point, I took anything and everything I could to dull the pain: an entire can of nitrous oxide and whatever else they would feed me.  Left to labour from 4cm to 8cm with no (strong enough) medication I cursed those women who did this all on their own. Yes! You! I cursed you! Most of this time was a blur, except I do remember offering my nurse jube jubes.

The anesthesiologist arrived around 10:30pm to  attempt my epidural again; I was contemplating doing the last 2cm natural since I had come so far, but I needed sleep  so badly or there was no way I would of had the strength to push at all.  Shortly after the second epidural was administered, my contractions slowed; trying to restart my labour, I was then given Pitocin.  Then, 5am I was 10cm and ready to start pushing, but Carter had other plans, he was not wanting to come out.

His heart rate and my blood pressure increased  to the point where  a c-section was eminent; but I refused. After all that hard work, I didn’t want to go out like that, since I’ve never had major surgery, it freaked the shit out of me .

Finally, he arrived; a little bruised and not breathing since his cord was wrapped twice around his neck. One of the freakiest moments of my life when I heard the nurse yell “We need help!” since he was unresponsive.

But you’d never know that now!

 Carter - My Little Dude

August 22, 2005 @ 8:01am

9lbs, 6oz

Even though this is what he’s like most day, I love him to bits! 

Still here. At work today; not sure how long this is going to last. I feel like a bag of smashed assholes.

On top of being sick, I got my period; which is one of the WORST things when you’re freakin’ sick I mean, c’mon? Can’t it be bad enough being sick, but stupid Aunt Flow has to come at the same time? Gimme a break!

It’s gonna take me about 6 months to clean my house up from the past 4 days that I’ve done nothing. It’s truly baffling how a 30 year old and a 2 year old can wreak havoc and turmoil of the greatest magnitude in FOUR days without someone following around to clean up the mess. *shakes head* I think I should just sell them, with the house.

I’ve been super weepy the past couple days too, what, with the sleep deprivation, fear of swallowing (sickos! as if I could even contemplate that - though the house may have been a bit cleaner), and plain ol’ bordem I’ve been crying at the stupidest stuff. Yesterday I sat around watching A Baby Story, Bringing Home Baby and BirthDays; I think I cried every time on of those bitches popped out a kid. Watching them struggle with night feedings and multiple children scared me right into the arms of abstinence.

Even this morning, dropping Carter off at daycare was harder then normal. He’s one smart kid, I’ll give him that much; he will kick you while you’re down. The crying at drop off was more then I could take today. I could barely contain my own tears walking back out to the car. I called Mike just bawling, telling him I could take it anymore and that I hated leaving Carter crying every day. I wanted to quit work and stay home with my baby. On any other day I could have handled it, knowing full well that once I’m out the door, the crying stops and he’s off terrorizing charming the class. But this morning? I was so ready to just quit. To pack it all up and cuddle my baby.

Enough sappy shit (see, total basket case this week!)

Got my award! Thanks to all who voted!! I’m super giddy and so oh very grateful that you take my love for buttons are seriously as I do! (p.s. I am a comment and traffic whore too. What can you do about that?!)

I know I promised boobies, but I’m on a work computer blogging - which is bad enough, so I would want to add pornographic pictures into the mix. If I’m gonna leave it’s gonna be on my own accord; it certainly ain’t gonna be for posting nudies from my work computer.

I had the baby monitor on for the first time in a long time last night, just to listen for him, in case; since he hadn’t been able to keep a thing down all evening. Good mom, right?

10pm Mike got home from a course for the union hall and as we were standing in the kitchen talking - beside the monitor I so intently listened to for his breathing - I heard him stirring, then the unmistakable retching of a wee toddler. Barfing in his bed. *gag*

As we went into inspect the damage and impending clean up, he laid still and seemed not to be bothered by the vomit surrounding him. Poor lifeless little body, exhausted and unsure of what was happening to him. I picked him up, changed him and rocked in the rocking chair while Daddy (see calling him Daddy all the time; like a good wife) changed the sheets. As he nestled his head into my neck and wrapped his arms around me I was consumed with love. My heart ached for my little guy. Tears welding in my eyes, I rubbed his back and whispered how much I loved him.

Wearily lifting his head, he looked me in the eye, I wuvb you Mommy, he mumbled before placing it back on my shoulder. Enough to melt the heart of a stone cold bitch like me.

As I placed him back in his clean bed, I patted his head, said good night, shut the light and just watched. Watched his little fragile body rise and fall with each breath while cuddling his stuffed monkey, sucking vigorously on his soother. He lifted his head slightly and in a garbled soother filled voice stated matter-of-factly Night-night mama.

I closed the door and walked away, fighting the aching urge to pick him up and hold him all night.

This morning we’re all back to normal. Carter was bouncing off the walls, singing, yelling and dancing to Dora; so we headed on with our normal routine. Off to daycare and me, off to work.

All I’ve been thinking about this morning is sitting still, in a quite darkened room while I holding him and rocking … If only time could stand still, even just for a moment longer.