You know, two and a half weeks postpartum and I am so ready to have another. Though my pregnancy sucked this time around and Hudson was a week late, I think the biggest thing is that I’ve had no postpartum pain.

Postpartum pain sucks ass.

Mike feels a little different. He thinks he’s done. It’s more the stress and worry that gets to him the most. Watching the birth and my suffering during labour has not scarred him as much as worrying about SIDS, chocking and them getting hurt.

We’ll see how he feels in a year or two. Once he begins to forget a little.

So as Mike and I stood in the kitchen sharing a hug this morning and I gave him a kiss, he was a little bit disturbed by Carter piping up and saying: “Another Baby Hudson?”

He swiftly released his embrace and sternly stated: “No.”

Apparently they both think babies come from kisses.

Mike & Carter - October 2005

Mike & Hudson - June 2008

So peaceful and serene he almost looks porcelain.

The more I think about it, the more I am sure that daycare three days a week is a GREAT thing.

Mainly because my two and a half year old has decided that he no longer needs to nap.

Nap time has bit the dust in the House of Me.

Carter has always been a great sleeper, and he still is. Nighttime he sleeps at a very minimum of 12 hours, usually 13 these days, but nothing throughout the day - even days that he’s at daycare he’s not napping for them either.

I’ve briefly tried keeping him up later at night (his bedtime is 7pm) to see if that would make a difference, but he just sleeps a little longer in the morning and still no naps. I just can’t bring myself to wake him in the morning since I’m up a good portion of the night and I. Hate. Mornings. I’d much rather be able to catch an hour or two of sleep in the am than wake Carter just so he can nap during the day.

No nap during the day means trying to find extra activities to fill that time when he should be sleeping. Colouring, watching TV and playing will only get us so far before is is bored of everything in this house.

Aside from dropping Carter at daycare, I still have yet to venture out of the house on a task which requires taking them both out of the car. I have a looming fear of meltdowns, running away and plain ol’ not listening in a crowded store which debilitates my reasoning and rational thinking when it comes to taking them out. Alone. I pray for their sakes that I can overcome this worry or it’s going to be a LOOONG summer if the furtherest we venture outside our front door is to strictly playing in the backyard.

This morning we took a drive to the bank. The drive thru bank so no one had to get out of the car. Carter was chatting away in the backseat, like usual then says to me: “Mama? I’m happy.”

Suddenly the guilt was lifted and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Even though Hudson’s only been here for 7 days, it feels like I’ve known him forever. Even after one week I can’t imagine life without his precious little face, beautiful bright eyes and adorable little toes.

It’s impossible not to see the joy that he brings to his Big Brother. The love that Carter shows is immeasurable. Carter would do anything for Baby Hudson.

As would the rest of us.

My boys.

I am so in love with all my boys. So much so I can’t stop crying.

Mike has been so very unbelievably supportive and wonderful at keeping Carter occupied and helping me as much as he can with everything. He’s truly stepped up to the plate these last couple days and I think I am in love with him more then ever. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and father to my kids.

But, that could just be the hormones talking. (Though, probably not.)

Fuck hormones.

I’ve been crying for about the last - oh, 3 hours and just can’t stop. Every time Carter calls for me or I look at any of them I start crying again. I am a crier by nature, but this is fuckin’ ridiculous. I think I’ve shed enough tears to turn a desert into a rain forest in the last two days.

I remember crying when I had Carter, but never like this. I remember feeling overwhelmed and uncertain, but this time it all feels so different. Carter has always been my guy and now he has to share me: he’s been so great and helpful, not showing one ounce of jealousy towards Hudson’s arrival, but I can’t help feel that I’m slowly removing myself and missing out - and it’s only been FOUR DAYS. I can’t even begin to imagine what a single parent must feel like because this is almost torturous.

All I know for sure is that hormones are a bitch and I can’t wait to be ‘normal’ again.

And maybe grow another set of arms - like Stitch.

I kinda look like Stitch too - minus the guns and superhero-esque-ness.