I am overwhelmed and complete grateful for the support regarding my past entry. I can’t even put it into words.

Sharing something so personal and heart wrenching is difficult no matter the audience. It’s not easy to admit that there is trouble in paradise but having the support and love of friends - because that’s what you all are - makes all the difference in the world. I just hope my post encouraged even one person to feel they can open up and share what’s on their mind.

Step out from behind the facade and face reality.

Marriage is a topic that we shouldn’t cower away from. We know it’s not easy, we know there are other marriages just like ours, but when we all sit pretty and pretend that life is simple, happy and always easy we’re only kidding ourselves. To be able to open up in a public forum - like a blog - about the death of a loved one, rape, mental health, etc. but not be able to talk about marriage troubles? It baffles me. How does marriage talk differ from the other difficult topics we cover?

I am guilty as well, like I said yesterday: it’s comfy behind the facade. Sure, I’ve sat here and joked about things he does that have gotten under my skin, but those posts barely scratched the surface of what we’ve been facing up to now.

I thought about printing out my post and putting it on the fridge last night. I thought that maybe if he saw more of my raw feelings and thoughts - without me vocalizing them while fighting - he may have a better glimpse of me. I don’t know what kept me from doing it: fear that it may cause another rift? Worry that he may not feel the same way? Or just plain ol’ not wanting to face the issue anymore that day. From writing that post and reading your comments, I was surprised just how emotionally draining it all was.

I did, however broach the topic of counseling which went over rather well. He doesn’t think that we need it, we just need to talk more and behave like adults - more civil with each other; but if I feel that it’s something that would help us, even uncover any underlying issues that have been causing us to treat each other the way we have, then he’s game. I’ll take some time over the next couple days to review what, if any, is covered by our employee benefits and then budget additional monies for it, as well as investigate some local help.  I realize it’s not a quick and easy fix - which I’m totally fine with - I just hope that things don’t change further in the meantime.

We did share a long embrace as I cried and told him how much I loved him and I wasn’t willing to walk away from this marriage.  He kissed me and told me that as far as he was concerned, that wasn’t even an option.

Here’s to hope.

There’s been posts (and blogs) cropping up all over The Blogz about a very faux pas topic. Something that seems to be very much a social blunder to talk about. A topic that has remained, until now, silent and forbidden.

Marriage.

Mamma Loves pointed out something very interesting in her post “The Post I Might Delete Later” which I really hope she doesn’t:

As I wander through the blogosphere I read about a vast number of topics that are finally seeing the light of day. Moms are opening up about topics ranging from sex to the trials of PPD. Women are discussing the frustration and heartbreak of infertility. People of all walks of life are sharing the trials of serious illness, depression, racism, bullying, addiction, the death of loved ones and abuse. These brave people are sharing a part of themselves in a way that allows the rest of us to not feel so alone in the world. In my mind, they are the pillars of the social networking community.

What I’ve noticed though is that there seems to be one topic that remains fairly off limits (unless addressed anonymously). I understand why. Many people have discussed their reasons for not talking about it.

I couldn’t have said it better myself, so I didn’t bother trying.

If you think marriage is easy, you’re fooling yourself. Plain and simple; that’s what I believe.

I will admit when I finally did agree to marriage, after a five year engagement, I thought I knew everything and that we were meant to be and everything was bliss. I mean, how could I not? At that time I’d been living with the man for four years and I thought I’d seen it all. I knew what I was getting myself into.

Wrong.

Nothing. Nothing prepares you for what comes of a marriage. There’s just something about that commitment being made where all hell breaks loose and it’s no holds bared from the day the honeymoon is over.

On top of being sick, hormonal, bitchy and pregnant, I’ve been dealing with something much more pressing. I’ve been contemplating writing this for some time and have put it off because, well, it’s comfy behind that facade. It’s easier to pretend that everything is perfection and there is such thing as Marital Bliss.

Mike and I are both very passionate, strong-willed and stubborn people. Coming from broken homes, we have both witnessed parental fights, resentment and divorce. Over the past eight years, we’ve unintentionally fallen into the same pattern. Recently, our marriage has consisted of a constant barrage of verbal assaults, emotional abuse and constant reminders of the others faults. (For the record there is NO physical abuse - unless you count the time(s) that I’ve thrown pillows at him in anger.) It wasn’t always like this, but over time stresses of parenthood, work and money has eroded our strong foundation to a cracked and leaky mess.

We’re not a team anymore.

There is no united front.

We’re on opposing teams in a losing battle.

With our children in the middle.

Last night was another step in the wrong direction. After a constant barrage of hurtful quips and snarky comments flying around, I slept in the spare room. While lying there, alone, wondering where it all went wrong, I came to the realization that I think we need help: this isn’t going to fix itself. Not anymore.

I came into this marriage with full intentions of not quitting. Not backing out and not letting my children live in such a volatile environment; not like the environment Mike and I, as children, were accustomed to. We made this promise to ourselves and we’re failing. Miserably.

Marriage counsellings? A break from each other? Something. We have to do something to get out of this revolving honeymoon stage of fighting, making up for a day or two, fighting again. If not for us. For our children.

I’m not ready to give up. I don’t want a divorce. I just want to fix what’s broken. I know we can, I still remember what it’s like to want to hug and cuddle with the man I love. I still remember what it’s like to laugh and joke with him. I want to forget what it feels like to not want to be in the same room as him. I want to forget how hurtful and mean we can be to each other.

I just want to love him again.

Sorry for the sporadic posting and nothing of interest lately. I am really just not feeling it lately; in fact, I’m not feeling much.

Winter blues combined with seemingly endless illness has brought my depression on - full strength. I have no ambition to do anything, I find myself spending most of my time lazing on the couch or sleeping. I feel weighted down, like I’m just a burden on everyone.

Mike and I have been constantly bickering and arguing over the simplest things and it’s tiring - and trying. I can’t handle being called a nag and a bitch all. the. time. Even when - what I think - is a small task is requested of him, he loses his shit saying that I’m constantly nagging and never shut up. Maybe he’s right and I just don’t see it. I mean, I don’t think I’m asking too much of someone to bring the cars back in the driveway after he shovels instead of leaving them in the road. Or even a simple question like, “Did you change Carter’s bum after nap” has him exploding at me like I’m treating him like a child.

Yes, we’re both in rough places right now with him trying to quit smoking and me sick and pregnant, but it’s far more trying when we’re at each other like this all the time.

I’m seriously ready to pack my shit and leave for the next 4 months. I don’t know that I can continue to live like this. I want a marriage left once everything’s all said and done. I want a family for my children - not what we have at this moment.

So, that’s where I am. To save you the woe is me posts and, for me, the realization that everyone really has their own shit to deal with, my problems meaning very little … I’ll be here and there but for now, mostly, there.

I’ve never been one to budget my money; I’ve lived a life of: “if there’s money in the bank, we’re doing good”. I’ve gotten away with little savings, not looking ahead and no preparation for unforeseen circumstances. Should something arise that needed to be taken care of, well, that’s what credit cards are for.

I’ve been lucky. We’ve been lucky.

Mike has lived on very much the same track as I, though, a little more recklessly.

We’ve been contemplating a move lately, we have a second child on the way and we want also to stop living pay cheque to pay cheque. I’ve been suffering mild panic attacks as to how we can do all this and still live comfortably.

In comes the budget.

Thank god for family that are willing to help us learn, because without them? I’d be up shit creek without my paddle.

Sunday we sat down and went through our finances and realized that yes, we’re living pay cheque to pay cheque, but within our income. That was nice to know.

Though seeing where exactly all our money is going?

Not so nice.

I think I had heartburn all afternoon.

Now, Mike and I both make decent salaries and we’ve worked really hard to get where we are at this point: job wise. Our careless spending over the past 7 years would show otherwise. Eating out, banking interest charges and frivolous spending have eaten away at much of what would be considered extra cash.

Not cool.

So we’re cutting back. We’re taking out the wasteful spending by making lunches, not eating out as much and paying down loans faster then just by the allotted times given by the banks.

Dude, the hardest part? Making a damn lunch.

I’ve mentioned so many times that I am NOT a cook. I detest the thought of even trying to prepare a simple lunch. I think it goes way back to being forced to make my lunches while in school and having my mother breathe down my neck telling me what was acceptable or not. But I’ve made a commitment to do this and I have to do this in order to get to these financial goals we’ve set for ourselves.

Sunday night consisted of a few grunts and groans and a lot of swearing while I rooted through the cupboards for the easiest possible lunch solutions.

Nothing that I wanted.

I ended up packing a bagel, some cheese slices, an apple and a yogurt then placing it in the fridge to take Monday morning.

I forgot it.

Sitting at work in the morning, I received a call from Mike to let me know that he knew I forgot my lunch. He proceeded to remind me about the importance to taking my lunch and why we’re doing this.

Nothing like making me feel like a complete ass as I munched down on my take out spaghetti and meatballs. I’m pregnant! I can’t very well forgo a meal.

Then even after gentle reminders with a sprinkle of guilt, that lunch remains in the fridge again this morning.

Which leaves me with one conclusion.

Day 2: I royally suck at this budget thing.