I can’t leave my house without anxiety, thinking that something will happen causing me lose control of the situation, but I won’t go into detail (AGAIN!) about how I think that I can’t handle both my children.

After the field trip last week I was feeling rather confident that I can handle it.

Yesterday? Yesterday was a setback.

One of my closest and dearest friends has a little guy that is one month and one day older then Hudson. We live about an hour from each other and rarely have the chance to visit, what with children and life getting in the way, but, today she and her little man came to visit.

After a weekend of people over for Carter’s third birthday, I was more then a little shitty at hosting. I really hate company as it is. If you’re over at my house, don’t be surprised if I forget to offer you a drink or don’t have snacks to share.  Hell, I may even leaving you standing at the door for a little, chatting your ear off before I remember to even invite you in.

I had nothing to offer her aside from water and grapes; needless to say we ended up going out for lunch.

[Told you. Am SHITTY.]

The following is an unpaid Public Service Announcement - so listen up!

We grabbed the strollers (mine’s not the coveted Joovy Ultralight Caboose) and walked over to the restuarant / café near my place. Hudson wasn’t strapped into the carseat: since we were just walking to a local cafè I opted to rest him in the seat and forgo the restraints. I have yet to buy a double (Hi Joovy, are you reading??), Carter opted to walk, which I should have known would be a bad idea but I was in a good mood (read: I didn’t want to deal with a meltdown): it was all of a kilometer walk (read 0.4mi you Americans) and I figured he’d do fine.

What I didn’t figure?

How close it was to nap.

Carter wanted to hitch a ride on the back of the stroller (which would have worked so much better with the Joovy Ultralight Caboose), it’s hard to explain how he was standing, but I’ll try with a beautiful graphic!

See? B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L.

Worked great for about two minutes, until Carter leaned backwards to get down and pulled the entire seat with him.

Ass over tea kettle.

BOTH kids.

Remember, baby not strapped in? Ya.

It was so fast, I really don’t know what happened; instincts set in and I went into autopilot. Kinda.

My mind was racing and I didn’t know what child to go for: I didn’t want to just push Carter aside to grab the baby, worried that he would feel neglected - but OMG! THE BABY! - thankfully my friend was there and we each scooped up a child. Calming and shushing ensued followed by examination which yielded no findings. THANK GOD! It took a while for the shaking to subside; I was practically beside myself with guilt.

Now, had I owned a Joovy Ultralight Caboose, none of this would have happened. With the wonderful sit-n-stand option for a toddler at the back.  As well as being very light weight, it comes in fabulous colours (like Sunset!)

I can joke around and be silly about it now, partly because I feel like an ass and partly because my babies are alright.

Nobody was harmed in this stupid mommy moment.

Well accept my nerves and confidence.

(Maybe Joovy can give me my confidence back with a Joovy Ultralight Caboose in sunset?)

My poor babies. *sigh*

(Hi Joovy! I’d consider reviewing one of your Joovy Ultralight Caboose in sunset, you know - for my readers. Let me know. Kthxbai!)

I am an overpreparer (if that’s not a word, it is now). I have to prepare in advance or I am frazzled and out of sorts. I am not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants type gal, not at all. Sure, I can do it, but I get overly self-conscious, worried I’ve forgotten something and anxious. So anxious.

So when Catherine emailed me about joining a roundtable discussion I was over the moon. Great opportunity for lil’ ol’ me, right? I mean, there’s these bigger named bloggers and me. Granted, I sat in on Catherine’s spot, but it turned out to be an awesome introduction post for my spot at Better Than a Playdate (BlogHers Act Canada: Family Health).

But, who did we talk to?

None other then Debbie Phelps - yes, Michael Phelps’ mom.

She’s an amazing lady, very grounded straightforward and candid. It was a great talk and such learning experience being that I’ve never done anythink like that before.

Any-way. So Catherine asked me.

I was all, Hell! Ya!

And she was all, Great! I need your three questions by the morning!

*gulp*

That meant I had to prepare them.

I thought about it all day, all evening, all night. I even did a little research about both Michael and Debbie (cuz Iz all professional now) I froze, my hamster fell off its wheel; all I kept thinking was: OMG! I NEED QUESTIONS?! WHAT DO I ASK AN OLYMPIC ATHLETES MOM!?

(Because apparently they’re different then other moms.)

But I managed to come up with three that I was somewhat proud of, but still had to ask HBM for her opinion - you know, to be sure, and I was prepared with back ups incase there was one that she didn’t think was that fabulous!.

See? OVERPREPARE.

Then the morning of I was all worried that I’d forget or that I’d get the number wrong.

(Because what? It’s different DIALING THE PHONE when it’s for a conference call?)

See people. I don’t do so well when it comes to something outside my box, and though this wasn’t FAR outside that box, it was outside. Outside causes sweats, nervousness and chattiness.

As soon as I picked up the phone, I barely hear the dial tone through the sound of my heartbeat raditating throughout my skull, but once I was on hold for about 15minutes due to complications (their’s not mine, thankfully!) my nervousness had dissipated and it was kinda just like talking with a bunch of girlfriends.

I could hear the patter of fingers typing away through the line as I feverishly wrote everything on my trusty notepad. Those dang professionals! I thought. I can barely hear while I type - you know, constructing my writing gold *snort* - let alone engage in a conversation.

[Note to self: Must learn to type, talk, listen and engage if I ever hope to continue this gig.]

Everything turned out fabulous and my article has been unleashed onto the internet at BlogHers Act Canada, so if you’d be so kind to venture over and let Catherine and Katie know that they made the right decision by listening to me beg for a chance to write for them letting me come back to Playdate letting me write this article for BlogHers Act Canada. I’d be really grateful for any comments you leave there. You know, make me feel like I belong or something.

/whoring.

:::

Click the button and find out how to win an HP Photo Printer! Only 5 DAYS LEFT!

Down and dirty. Is that kinda like short and sweet? Because if it is, that’s what I mean and if it’s not just ignore me.

Hold me.

I’m scared.

Today. Friday (if this automatic posting doo-dad works) is Carter’s third birthday. I wasn’t weepy about past birthdays but I think with Hudson’s arrival this year is different and I’m sad that he’s three. Really sad.

My boys.

Maybe I’ll have more about that later, not right now. I can’t.

I’m too fuckin’ scared for my life.

While you’re reading this (if the automatic posting worked correctly) I am packed into a trolley-type-bus with about 120 children ranging in age from 2 - 6 and some parents. We’re probably baking in the hot hot sun and endured a couple of meltdowns already.

Pray for me.

Carter’s daycare has a field trip to this makeshift safari type place where baboons rip the trim off your car and eat your windshield wipers while smearing their ass across your windshield and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

I thought it would be nice to volunteer since it’s his birthday and all.

Send. Booze.

Copious amounts.

:::

Start getting those entires in to WIN an HP photo printer!

Deadline is September 1st (that’s 10 days away)!

All you have to do is post your favourite summer pictures on your blog with a link back and share the link in my comments!

Seriously! Photo Printer! FREE! WIN!!

Ever have one of those days where you’re just down for no specific reason? The sun’s shining, the children are behaving, your coffee was really tasty this morning, yet something is amiss?

That’s my today. I have nothing to be sad about, just am, and you know before taking anti-depressants I wouldn’t have thought for a second that something was wrong. But now? Everytime I feel sad, don’t want to do anything or I’m just bitchy I immediately begin to worry that something’s off with my medication.

Did I take my pill yesterday?

Do I need to increase my prescription?

Should I talk to the doctor about this?

What if it’s PPD? (Because *apparently* they don’t really discuss that with me.)

Maybe I just need to accept that it’s now a part of my reality: I worry about my mental state. But should I? Should I have to wonder every time something is off that I’m going fuckin’ nuts?

Since having Hudson I’ve been on a slow decline into a mildly Agoraphobic state. I don’t want to leave my house. I find comfort in sitting inside in front of the television, in front of the computer, playing indoor games with Carter.

I have anxiety when I think about trying to go out with both kids. I think the anxiety is more about losing control in public. The tanturms, even the logicstics of trying to manage two children in public. Come to think of it, I think I just hate leaving my house. For the most part, I avoid social functions and even visiting with friends. I don’t want to leave the baby just yet which, along with Mike working this weekend, caused me to back out of a Girl’s Night - which I could desperately use. I now feel guilt for it too.

Partly I think it’s because of this additional weight I still carry that seems to have settled in quite happily. I am a mess when it comes to my acceptance of my outward appearance. I am borderline plus size, again and it’s really messing with my confidence. None of my clothes fit and I barely make an effort to ‘dress up’ - since I know I’m not leaving the house - and I dress in my regular attire of jogging pants and a tank.

I know it’s not right, or normal to not want to leave the house, which then again gets me thinking, What if it’s PPD? Should I talk to my doctor about the fact I never want to leave my house?

Did I just anwser myself? I know it’s not right… yet I wonder if I should do something?

I’ve recently forced myself into two commitments - all for the sake of making myself commit and get out with people. I know once I am there I’ll be excited and so glad that I did it, but if it’s a situation where I can find an out, I will (These two commitments required money down and non-refunds and I feel worse wasting money so I’m in.)

I’m *trying* to work on it though. It’s a personal goal of mine to get these kids out and do something before the winter months arrive because it pains me greatly when I think that we’ve wasted the entire summer inside only to be TRAPPED inside once the snow’s here.

But! I did leave the house yesterday - alone - and bought this!

*I’m not trying to make light of Agoraphobia, it can be very a debilitating phobia and frankly, it’s un-funny.