Feeling just about as craptacular as I have been since Saturday. I’ve got the sniffles - not as bad as it was, meaning I’m not so congested that I wouldn’t feel snot running down my face like before.

Oh come on, as if you’ve never had the same thing.

Went to work today, about an hour and a half late. I thought I may get a hard time from one of the guys who I normally banter back and forth with about what time we arrive in the office. He took one look at me and said, “Oh, shit.”

Thanks. Here I thought I was doing about a thousand times better.

Sat through a meeting, coughing (and peeing - yup, peeing again), and chewing down Halls like a hardcore crack addict goes to the rock only to be sent home once it was complete.

Ah! *coughcoughcoughHACK!coughcoughcough*

[Cough is a funny looking word. So is porridge.  They sound funny too.]

I’ve tried just about everything I can to alleviate this sinus pressure and hacking cough - humidifier, showers, Halls, hot teas, soups, water, shoving tissues up my nose, crying, praying, begging - aside from Voodoo.

I am just about at my wits end and will probably end up googling Voodoo magic to see what I can muster up; even if it may just be a Voodoo doll to wreak havoc on some drug companies, who I love so much, for making a severely hormonal and pregnant lady suffer to this extent. Motherfuckers I tell you. All of them. Sitting in their ivory fuckin’ towers laughing at us preggos suffering. All men too I bet. Stupid fuckers. Fuck!

[They get me every time. I just get so mad thinking about it. I mean, we now have private fuckin' air travel to fuckin' outer space but no drugs for pregnant women. Bull shit. Absolutely bull shit.]

Ahem.

At this point, I turn to you Dear Internets. I need your assvice advice on what home remedies I can try to help get rid of this cold ASAP.

While you’re thinking about what to tranquilize me with offer me for home remedies, I’m going to sit my ass on the couch and watch last night’s Big Brother 9.

[Speaking of Big Brother. I was a bawling sappy mess when they  showed Amanda's seizure on Wednesday's Tuesday's (what the fuck day is it anyway?) show. I can't link the video because it's just too hard to watch -  and hear - again. If you're interested though, it's all over YouTube. ]

I used to love sick days. Not that I loved to be sick, but they were days that I could just hang out at home, chill in my pajamas and sleep. Mental health days I liked to call them. Though, days with the flu? Those were just hell.  Any day that involves vomiting and or any other kind of expulsion of fluid is not cool.

Now? I still enjoy sick days to a point, they’re just not the same. A child to take care of and you know, provide a somewhat balanced and nutritious meal to, and maybe even entertain a little - even if it’s for just that short window before I cart him off to the daycare centre so mommy can get some sleep. It’s damn hard people: and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be a sickie while being a SAHM. I mean, holy shit! Take care of a child (or children) while feeling like a bag of shit? Troopers you all are.

But this is about me. Not you.

I am sick.

I work full time.

My husband’s out of town.

I have a toddler.

I have a toddler that whhhhiiiiiiinnnnnnes about everything. I think he’s forgotten how to speak in a NORMAL voice.

I’m pregnant.

And I’m fuckin’ miserable!

I may have a better handle on this sick thing if it weren’t for the fact that it’s been about 24 out of 28 weeks that I’ve had some kind of aliment during this pregnancy. I am at the point where I want to curl up into the fetal position and just die cry. I’d drown myself in a vat of NyQuil if I could. I’d pop all the over-the-counter drugs I could just to numb the cough and sinus pain. But, since I decided I wanted to be impregnated again, I temporarily forfeited my right to a self induced medicated coma.

Listen up drug companies. You fuckers should seriously start thinking about us sick pregnant ladies and come up with something that gives us the drowsy and decongested (is that a word? Spell check doesn’t like it. Decongested, decongested, decongested. Motherfucker.) rest like our non-pregnant counterparts. I wanna sleep like before I had children, and I wanna be able to breathe out my nose again too. Assholes.

P.S. All this sickness is also making me very hostile.

I had a snow day today. Not that there was TONS of snow, but the perfect combination of snow and ice plus a husband stuck out of town which made it impossible for me to get out of the driveway and on my way to work this morning.

Carter and I hung out in our pajamas for the morning playing with his building blocks and train table. I normally shy away from being any form of entertainment for my child, I’d rather he develop an independent personality and have the ability to entertain himself. Though, with this new baby on the way, I’ve been feeling a little melancholy about the idea of having to share; normal feelings, I know. I just feel that I haven’t given Carter enough of the one on one time that he deserves and now it’s going to be cut back more when the baby gets here.

We snuggled, shared grapes and laughed at each other’s silly faces all morning while many of my adult counterparts struggled through the miles of horrible traffic and frigid temperatures.

Snow days rock!

During nap time I was able to have time to sit down and complete a design for a very patient client. A wonderful, caring and sympathetic lady who let me delay her design until I was feeling well enough to get back at it. I can’t tell you how great it felt to put my mushy mom/pregnancy brain to work again. I can’t get enough of the challenges of troubleshooting during designing. I just wish that my skills were strong enough to get me some full time work in the field. I fear that if I was to try and take designing on as a full time job, the stress of finding work and paying the bills would ruin it for me. I enjoy that I don’t rely on the income and that I can take my time making sure that it’s something I’m proud to sell someone.

I am feeling more and more like my old self these days. I can’t even explain what a relief that is!

Sorry for the sporadic posting and nothing of interest lately. I am really just not feeling it lately; in fact, I’m not feeling much.

Winter blues combined with seemingly endless illness has brought my depression on - full strength. I have no ambition to do anything, I find myself spending most of my time lazing on the couch or sleeping. I feel weighted down, like I’m just a burden on everyone.

Mike and I have been constantly bickering and arguing over the simplest things and it’s tiring - and trying. I can’t handle being called a nag and a bitch all. the. time. Even when - what I think - is a small task is requested of him, he loses his shit saying that I’m constantly nagging and never shut up. Maybe he’s right and I just don’t see it. I mean, I don’t think I’m asking too much of someone to bring the cars back in the driveway after he shovels instead of leaving them in the road. Or even a simple question like, “Did you change Carter’s bum after nap” has him exploding at me like I’m treating him like a child.

Yes, we’re both in rough places right now with him trying to quit smoking and me sick and pregnant, but it’s far more trying when we’re at each other like this all the time.

I’m seriously ready to pack my shit and leave for the next 4 months. I don’t know that I can continue to live like this. I want a marriage left once everything’s all said and done. I want a family for my children - not what we have at this moment.

So, that’s where I am. To save you the woe is me posts and, for me, the realization that everyone really has their own shit to deal with, my problems meaning very little … I’ll be here and there but for now, mostly, there.