My pregnancy with Carter was anything but eventful. It was plain ol’ by-the-book perfection. I was spoiled. Rotten. Since the beginning of this pregnancy I’ve been accused of faking symptoms. The nausea, dizzy spells and fatigue are just my feeble attempts at getting out of housework: that is, if you ask my husband.

Yes. He insists that I am faking. Every. Last. Symptom. I have been experiencing.

I retch and gag for attention. Why, yes I do honey. Now tell me: what kind of attention am I searching for when ever cough sends me into a fit of gaging? Am I hoping to swoon Matthew McConaughey (Mmmmmm…. Matthew…..) with my charming ways? Hardly my love. Hardly.

He was particularly pugnacious this evening after he had to cook dinner then he had to wash the pans since the mere thought of caked on food will make me retch. I wasn’t feeling very well, but decided to help out by sweeping the kitchen floor when I was all I don’t feel good then he was all oh, yeah. right. You just don’t wanna do anything.

He was right, I was trying to get out of housework. Because I didn’t want to barf up everything I’d eaten today.

He tried to call my bluff. By walking up to me making disgusting gaging and retching sounds.

He called and I folded. I folded into a ball of mush, at the mercy of The Porcelain God, sharing everything I’d consumed for the day. Nice.

Oh and to top it all off. I peed my pants.

[Since having Carter my ability to hold my pee has diminished. Considerably. Nothing like this yet, but only time will tell since I am the WORST at doing Kegels and you know, tightening up down there. ]

I full on Peed. My. Pants.

Ugh.

He’s yet to say anything about the incident and I have avoided him since.

I wonder if he may believe me, even a little.

This is just another reason why I would love for a man to have the blessing of carrying a child.

I’d so fuck with him.

I’d fuck with him so royally, he would cry.

That’s the only thing keeping me going at this point. The thought of what I would do to my husband had he been able to carry this child.

Haggling and offering can be fun sometimes, it’s like an auction, but a little different… there’s more freedom and bargaining involved which I find almost as exhilarating as an auction itself… unless you run into this:

FAROUK CHI SILVER-NANO 1″ FLAT IRON HAIR STRAIGHTENER
Your offer price: US $50.00
Seller terms: Thank you for your offer but we will not be able to sell you the product at that price. Your offer is significantly below what we can accept. Best of luck and hopefully we will have an opportunity to serve you in the future.
BIN price: US $94.95

FAROUK CHI SILVER-NANO 1″ FLAT IRON HAIR STRAIGHTENER
Your offer price: US $75.00
Seller terms: Thank you for your offer but unfortunately we will not be able to provide you with the product at that price. We appreciate your interest and hope you will visit our store for all your needs.
BIN price: US $94.95

FAROUK CHI SILVER-NANO 1″ FLAT IRON HAIR STRAIGHTENER
Your offer price: US $85.50
Seller terms: Thank you for your offer but unfortunately we will not be able to provide you with the product at that price. We appreciate your interest and hope you will visit our store for all your needs.
BIN price: US $94.95

Tell me this: What is the point of having a “Or Best Offer” option if one is not willing to haggle on price? A mere 10 dollars less then the asking price was my final offer and yet this seller STILL declined. Why not just have a “Buy it NOW” option only instead of offering this bogus OBO shit?

Not to mention the exorbitant shipping charges to boot. I say Fuck that Shit.

/rant.

Speaking of awesome Ebay stuff have you seen this?

A Holy Mary toast stamper;

Jesus Magnetic Doll (check out the clothes offered!);

Your very own canned SPAM!;

And if yours was lopped off as an infant, there’s new penis foreskin just for you!;

And what about a purple stuffed poop?

I blame Karly 100% wholeheartedly for this; when she wrote this post it was meant to get back at me for this.

Well, she succeeded because look:

(if you click it will enlarge - not for you porno searchers, get your minds out of the gutter!)

Oh, and I’m a little concerned about this “fuck me.com” business and there’s also been “sex with babysitter” and a couple people searching for crotchless jeans.

I’ll elaborate this in a future NaBloPoMo post. I’m too creeped out at the moment.

(Thanks Karl. Love ya!)

Thursday already. NaBloPoMo day 1.

I am only mildly ashamed to admit that I completely opted out of Halloween this year. There was no trick or treating, nor did we hand out candy; instead I turned out all the lights and cuddled in the dark with Carter watching The Family Guy. Perfect children’s show. Yes. I know.

Once I started to talk about how the nausea was fading and I was mildly feeling like myself again, I knew I had jinxed it. Oh, had I ever. Last night I was on the verge of weeping I felt so bad. Bedtime couldn’t come fast enough for me (since Carter and I have been going to bed at the same time lately).

Why is it that when you take a moment to profess the Good News that you’re feeling better, or the baby is sleeping through the night, there’s been less tantrums and the house is finally clean that they all crumble to shit before your very eyes? Crumbling so fast that in an instant, you feel like shit, the house is a mess, the kid won’t stop screaming and he refuses to go to bed.

Luckily only the first two happened to me last night; if the kid also had a meltdown and wouldn’t go to bed, I may have just lost my shit all together.

Speaking of losing their shit. Um Britney lately? Wow.

I am seriously and genuinely worried about that chick. Call me a weirdo, or stupid or whatever. I am worried about her. Latest reports are saying that the day after losing custody of her children she had a huge party at her house where she offered some guy the opportunity to snort a line of coke of her chest.

What more could possibly go wrong for her? From losing her children, a huge custody fight with her loser ex-husband, hitting cars and being charged with a hit and run, driving over paparazzi, parenting classes, and constant public scrutiny, how has she not completely lost her shit. Granted, she’s completely high and/or drunk most of the time. I think I would be either dead, in a padded room, hiding in the corner rocking back and forth crying or possibly a full blown agoraphobic or social phobic.

And when I think about how fucked things are for her, I am grateful for the fact that my biggest complaint is morning sickness. So Britney, I thank you for that.

Yet, no matter how fucked up things have gotten for her, she remains number one with her new album release.

I don’t know how she does it. All I can do is shake my head.

And add Blackout to my Christmas Wishlist.

It’s Britney bitch!