We were going through a phase where poop was scary and Carter just wouldn’t go in the toilet. He was consistently constipated, and I realize now not that he COULDN’T go - he WOULDN’T go. I had no idea how to deal with it accept feed him prunes, prune juice concoctions and hope that it just got to the point where he could no longer hold it in.

I never thought I would be so happy to see someone take a dump on the toilet. I was on the verge of jumping up and down, completely elated that there was FINALLY! poop in the toilet!

You’re wondering just how we got to this point, aren’t you?

Well, back in July while most of you were meeting cohorts in San Fransisco a small group of us met up in Niagara Falls for Blog Friends Fest. As I explained our potty training woes over dinner (yes, AWESOME dinner conversation!) Kitten Pie mentioned how she was able to train ‘pie to poop in the toilet.

I leaned into her, hoping not to miss one minute genius detail. If I had a pen and paper - they would have been in hand. Ready to soak in her brilliance I waited with baited breath.

“I just told ‘pie that her poop was going off to play with the other poops.” she said so nonchalantly. So much in fact, I thought she was trying to pull a fast one on me.

“Wha? Srsly? That’s it? And she just pooed?” I asked. Admittedly, I was a little deflated: how could it be THAT easy? Carter wasn’t going to go for that.

I blew it off thinking that ‘pie was just some fantastical toddler. How could that HONESTLY work? And went about the same ol’ boring begging that just wasn’t getting through. Carter? Not fantastical.

I resigned to the fact that he would be pooping in the toilet before college and that was something I could look forward to.

A little over two weeks ago I was at my wit’s end. I had run out of ideas. Smarties, stickers, begging, promises of cars and no curfew just weren’t cutting it with this kid.

I told him that he poops wanted to go play with the other poops.

(I admit, I even scoffed a little at the idea: why am I saying this? It’s SO not going to work.)

And now?

I must apologize you my sweet Kitten Pie.

It WORKED!

My kid craps on the TOILET!

And HOLY MOLY does he ever! I swear that thing was (and continues to be) the size of my arm!

My three year old has given my 30 year old some serious poop envy.

The first time Mike was in the washroom with Carter while he crapped (armed with the poop friends story) he came running out: “Sam! Sam! Holy shit! You gotta see this shit! It’s HUGE! I’ve never even had a shit that big!”

*sigh*

*BIG sigh*

To humour him, I took my time walking up to the bathroom. I could hear him coaxing Carter not to flush because this poop was a trophy poop. That I had to see it first!

At this point I was cursing the fertility gods for leaving me in a house full of boys.

As I walked into the bathroom both of them we standing on either side of the toilet, looking into the bowl with HUGE grins.

I peered into the bowl, definitely not expecting to see what I saw, because in that bowl was the HUGEST poop I’ve ever seen in my life.

A poop so large it had to be preserved in digital format.

Yup. Took a picture.

OH! The Shame!

Hey if she can do it, so can I!

(Hi Lotus, ya that was me sending you the weird google hits for poop in the kitchen. Cursed poop in the kitchen!)

:::

If I haven’t scared you off already be sure to check out the Being a Rookie (Mom) Ain’t So Bad challenge! See an activity that appeals to you, do it, post a picture then you’re entered to win FREE STUFF! Who doesn’t like FREE STUFF!

• (I totally suck at this LOLcat speak. Tell me. What is the secret?)

• This week has been a whirl wind of work combined with stepping outside my proverbial box which has left me completely exhausted: both mentally and physically.

• There’s another weekly Rookie Mom challenge going on with a PRIZE - AND! You don’t have to be a rookie or a mom to play along! (Please play along! I’ve got loads of free shit to giveaway, plus I don’t want the Rookie Moms to think I’m a looser.

• I’ve been designing my fanny off for Maggie, Dammit (FINALLY complete! You should check it out!) and I’m so busy with the new BlogNosh Magazine design, it’s been completely frying my brain.

Oh hai! Can U Haz Code?

Better?

• Stepping outside my proverbial box? I took the boys out Tuesday AND Thursday. The significance of Tuesday and Thursday? Carter is home from daycare all day. So we went a better part of both days out.

• Tuesday we went to pick up our brand new double stroller - since Joovy didn’t step up after The Incident, I went out and got one.

• We drove around a strange town, forgot to bring money which required many stops and trying to find a bank. We got in and out of our car without incident and no one got hurt - or even cried!

• Thursday we spent the day with my brother and might-as-well-be-my-sister-in-law, taking Carter swimming at their complex. Great day with only minor break downs.

• Finally feel like I’m getting my shit together. It’s funny how a shitty week can really make one second guess their abilities as a parent. Or is that just me?
  

• Kevin sent along my questions for The Great Interview Experiment, now I just have to get my ass in gear, answer them AND also get iMommy’s ready for her.

• I’m thinking about joining them and getting a gym membership or joining The Running Room (or both?). I need to get rid of this damn baby weight (yes, that’s what I call it. F-off.)

• Mah girl Alli has a brand new design at one of her elevenity sites, (which I am apparently supposed to be contributing design tips to (for?) *waves* Don’t forget about me!!) and it’s GORJ!

• And! The winner of the Summer Lovin’ giveaway where you get an HP photo printer? CONGRATULATIONS C.F.!! Send me your info and I’ll get your printer off to you!

And now, for the grande (I have been transformed to a Starbucks lover - I’ll tell you about that another day) finale - gratuitous kiddie photos (SOOC: straight out of camera)

Thank you so much for your stories about The Fall. As horrible as it sounds, it’s really reassuring to hear other stories about what’s happened with your children. (*ahem* Joovy, I’m still waiting to hear from you though!)

When Carter was about five or six months old and just begun moving around on his own I didn’t think much about resting him on our bed as I got ready in the morning afternoon. I have a sliding glass door on my closet and I have full view of my bed while I apply my make-up. Well, apparently my view wasn’t as clear as I thought because I saw Carter squirm a little, not realizing just how close he was to the edge of the bed, I didn’t react. Not until I turned around did I realize that he was on the verge of falling; and that he did, head first to the hardwood below.

Our bed is rather high - about hip height, and I’m 5′7″, so I’m guessing it’s maybe about three feet from the ground. THUD! He didn’t wail until I scooped him up and cuddled him, expecting for anything broken or damaged. My heart would have burst up through my throat had I not swallowed it down. I’ve never felt guilt so intense, not until The Fall.

When having children, we sign that unwritten, unspoken contract that we will forever protect them from harm. We will save them embarrassment and we will do everything in our power to prevent tears and shame. We will teach our children values, responsibility and manners. We will lead by example and our unconditional love for them will never falter. As a parent, we will never harm our children nor allow them harm at the hands of another.

Forget making sure there’s food on the table, shelter over their heads and clothes on their back, (Okay, well don’t because that’s extremely important as well) but we’ve resigned ourselves to failure. We will not be able to stop embarrassment. We cannot keep them from harm forever and we will unintentionally, maybe even unknowingly, cause them pain sometime throughout their lives.

The parenting gig ain’t what it’s all cracked up to be. Ya, babies are cute, but the moral, emotional and physical obligation to each child we conceive and rear is unfathomable. While Carter was growing in my womb, my first thoughts were not of how I was going to mold and create this child into the person he will become. I did not think about how my actions and words would be absorbed and eventually used by a child that is ultimately, a reflection of me.

Before having children I had envisioned just how I would raise them. I would be ‘normal’. I wouldn’t change who I am, how I talk or what I talk about for the sake of my child. I figured they would learn anyway, and I would rather it be me (or Mike) that taught them.

I never fully baby-proofed while Carter was younger. My intentions, though pure, may have been made out of laziness rather then intelligence. Our glass coffee table was only removed from the living room after Carter climbed on top of it - not once, not twice but four times. Each time threatening to fall through the glass with each step or even jump off the table.

I never put glass vases or picture frames out of reach. I preferred to re-direct and teach them that they were not for little hands to touch. For the most part, I think we were very successful.

Until one thing that I’ve said I wouldn’t do came back and bit me in the ass.

I said I would never tie down a piece of furniture, instead I would teach my child that televisions are not for climbing; we do not climb our dresser drawers.

(You know where this is going, don’t you?)

I never anticipated what additional child proofing would be required for a toddler.

A toddler with an infant brother who is very time consuming.

A toddler that would be very independent and wish to dress himself.

A toddler that would climb that dresser to get to his underwear drawer.

That very toddler who lives in this house and pulled over his dresser trying to get to his underwear drawer.

*the tears are stinging as I write this*

THANK GOD he wasn’t hurt. THANK GOD he was off to the side (like a ladder) and not at the very front because not only would he have been pinned below a dresser but also against the bed, which could have been extremely dangerous.

If not deadly.

With these ‘accidents’ we’ve had over the past week and a half: The Fall, hitting his head on the ceramics, and now this dresser, I can’t help but feel I’m screwing up. I can’t help but feel that I am a shitty parent.

Okay, it’s been a rough week. I digress.

But it’s hard. It’s fuckin’ hard. How can I be everywhere and protect him from everything? How do I protect my heart that innocently lives outside my body?

Both my hearts.

Though Hudson is very small, he’s already experienced pain because of my thoughtlessness. My disregard for the possible dangers, though I know they exist.

Even though it’s a distant memory for them both already, it’s eating me up. The astounding guilt I feel for failing them.

Failing to protect my hearts.

I can’t leave my house without anxiety, thinking that something will happen causing me lose control of the situation, but I won’t go into detail (AGAIN!) about how I think that I can’t handle both my children.

After the field trip last week I was feeling rather confident that I can handle it.

Yesterday? Yesterday was a setback.

One of my closest and dearest friends has a little guy that is one month and one day older then Hudson. We live about an hour from each other and rarely have the chance to visit, what with children and life getting in the way, but, today she and her little man came to visit.

After a weekend of people over for Carter’s third birthday, I was more then a little shitty at hosting. I really hate company as it is. If you’re over at my house, don’t be surprised if I forget to offer you a drink or don’t have snacks to share.  Hell, I may even leaving you standing at the door for a little, chatting your ear off before I remember to even invite you in.

I had nothing to offer her aside from water and grapes; needless to say we ended up going out for lunch.

[Told you. Am SHITTY.]

The following is an unpaid Public Service Announcement - so listen up!

We grabbed the strollers (mine’s not the coveted Joovy Ultralight Caboose) and walked over to the restuarant / café near my place. Hudson wasn’t strapped into the carseat: since we were just walking to a local cafè I opted to rest him in the seat and forgo the restraints. I have yet to buy a double (Hi Joovy, are you reading??), Carter opted to walk, which I should have known would be a bad idea but I was in a good mood (read: I didn’t want to deal with a meltdown): it was all of a kilometer walk (read 0.4mi you Americans) and I figured he’d do fine.

What I didn’t figure?

How close it was to nap.

Carter wanted to hitch a ride on the back of the stroller (which would have worked so much better with the Joovy Ultralight Caboose), it’s hard to explain how he was standing, but I’ll try with a beautiful graphic!

See? B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L.

Worked great for about two minutes, until Carter leaned backwards to get down and pulled the entire seat with him.

Ass over tea kettle.

BOTH kids.

Remember, baby not strapped in? Ya.

It was so fast, I really don’t know what happened; instincts set in and I went into autopilot. Kinda.

My mind was racing and I didn’t know what child to go for: I didn’t want to just push Carter aside to grab the baby, worried that he would feel neglected - but OMG! THE BABY! - thankfully my friend was there and we each scooped up a child. Calming and shushing ensued followed by examination which yielded no findings. THANK GOD! It took a while for the shaking to subside; I was practically beside myself with guilt.

Now, had I owned a Joovy Ultralight Caboose, none of this would have happened. With the wonderful sit-n-stand option for a toddler at the back.  As well as being very light weight, it comes in fabulous colours (like Sunset!)

I can joke around and be silly about it now, partly because I feel like an ass and partly because my babies are alright.

Nobody was harmed in this stupid mommy moment.

Well accept my nerves and confidence.

(Maybe Joovy can give me my confidence back with a Joovy Ultralight Caboose in sunset?)

My poor babies. *sigh*

(Hi Joovy! I’d consider reviewing one of your Joovy Ultralight Caboose in sunset, you know - for my readers. Let me know. Kthxbai!)