A good friend of mine recently found out that she is expecting her fist child and since I am such a great friend who hated to pussy foot around important issues… I give you..

What All New Mom’s Should Know: a series.

1. You will pee. Oh, boy will you pee. Sneeze? Pee. Stand up? Pee. Cough? Pee. Laugh, cry, whine? Pee, pee, pee. There’s no control, there’s only hope no one else notices. Black pants will become your best friend.

2. Boobs will never be the same. At the beginning you will love them. They get bigger, fuller, more porno-ish. After? Ha! Saggy, wilted and deflated. Picture tennis balls hanging out in nylons. ’nuff said.

3. You will never be on time again. Always worried about being on time? Get over it now because things are gonna change sista! Explosive diapers, spit up on your new shirt, forgot something, kid won’t wear pants… anything you can think of WILL happen the moment you’re ready to walk out that door.

4. Your resume will change from fluent in Excel, Word, Powerpoint, etc. to Master of Disaster. You’ll be cleaning drains, unplugging toilets, stain removing just about EVERYTHING!, entertaining, reading etc. No longer will you worry about the office gossip and if so-and-so is cheating or their spouse with what’s-her-face. But things like “where is the marker that belongs to this cap!” and “no, Billy, don’t eat the… margarine!” You’ll be constantly wondering: is my child slow? how come he’s not talking yet? is his head too big? when’s he gonna walk?

5. Dressing nice = jeans and a t-shirt and *gasp* a shower! Yes, yes ladies. Many days you will have to run out sans shower and still in barf covered sweats that smell like pee. (Please refer to number one). Gone are the days of getting ready; no time for washing your hair let alone styling it. Forget about shaving, that’s now a thing of the past. You will be harry in places you didn’t even know you had.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

(Part two will continue next week, please feel free to add yours in the comments!)

Growing up, it was instilled in me that material objects and money do not reflect the type of person you are. No matter how rich or pretty, manners and respect will get you so much further then the what name brand you’re wearing and whether or not you make six figures.

So why is it that so many teenagers, and even young children, have no manners whatsoever? Why do they behave like uncontrollable monkeys swinging in trees, flinging shit at one another? There is practically no control over this generation of children. Have they seriously been given so much freedom (by disassociated parents) and protection (from ass whoppin’s) that they have no fear of repercussions for their actions?

I was far from a model child. I was crude and wild; I beat on my younger brother, I was kicked out at 16 (but begged to return home in less then a week), drank, smoked, etc. BUT I never ever treated those in authoritative positions with disrespect. I was taught at least that much.

So many kids now verbally, if not physically, abuse their parents and teachers. Why is this tolerated?

Where am I going with this?

Discipline.

I do agree with re-directing and none-violent approaches to disciplining a child, but in some cases a good ol’ fashion beating may be in order. Seriously.

Hold on, don’t be calling Child Services yet. Hear me out.

Have you not seen the results of re-directing and no hitting? Wild shit flinging monkeys!
One thing that Mike and I do agree on - spankings should make a comeback (sadly enough, the only thing that we agree on is the fact that we should be able to beat our child if we see fit).

I remember when I was little and did something wrong, I would sob uncontrollably even at the thought of my mom bearing my ass for a good spanking. Sometimes I even gave it some consideration prior to smashing my brother over the head with a hockey stick or pushing him down the stairs. Striking the fear of Jay-seus into a child can work just as well because it causes them to think about their actions and *gasp* re-direct! See… it works dammit! And I turned out alright!

Carter is too young for the spanking approach. He doesn’t quite understand “Kid, I’m gonna beat your ass if you hit that dog one more time!” . Know what I love though? When he does something he’s not supposed to and I re-direct him; when he does the RIGHT thing, we clap and yell “Hooooorrrayy!” as we throw our arms up in the air. He gets this HUGE sly grin on his face and is gleaming with pride because he’s completed a task as asked. Makes my heart swell with pride and love.

Guess this re-direction thing works a’ight too.

Becoming a parent has changed my personal grooming habits in a way I never thought possible. I’ve always been a very clean person; shower everyday, shave regularly, wash my face and brush my teeth before bed. You know, the norm. Our society is so focused on personal hygiene and overall cleanliness, it’s practically bred into us. Those that are not so focused on their personal hygiene are commonly looked upon as un-kept, dirty; maybe so far as disgusting. They’s some nasty ass bitches.

But parents? That’s a different class all on it’s own. Why? Because we’re forced to abandon our “way of life”; our instincts for showering daily, washing our face and removing crusted ol’ nasty eye boogers before rushing to the store for milk or diapers. We’re forced to embark on society as filthy slobs for the sake of our children. To be covered in snot, shit, vomit and whatever else has been hurled in our general direction, on a daily basis, all in the name of our offspring.

The vanity of life is really taken for granted in the years before children. I was one to never leave the house without a shower, a completed application of makeup and tidy, matching! clothes. I would be primped and proper for just about every outing. Now? How about right now for instance. I am wearing oversized jogging pants and a dirty t-shirt from my past employer with a long-sleeved white shirt that has a stain from children’s paint on the forearm (washable paint my ass!) as well as mud from playing in the backyard. I’ve been to the store, to the nail salon and outside with Carter for a few hours this morning. No shower, ratty hair, no make-up. Frankly, I’m not sure if I even brushed my teeth this morning. Classy, yes. So hot. You know you want me.

Yesterday at bath time (which I really hate and Mike normally does), I stripped off my long sleeved shirt, to my tank top, since Carter regularly soaks the entire bathroom. I was bombarded with a face full of water, and as I wiped my forehead on my upper arm I noticed just how damn hairy my armpit was! Oh. my. God. When was the last time I shaved those fuckers!? I was disgusted with myself. So disgusted that I embarked on a detailed hair removal process after Carter was put to bed. Shaved and cleaned up. Everything. I felt (almost) like a woman again. How on Earth do we let it get so bad, or is it just me? Am I the only one that needs to change the razor blade twice to clean up months (and I don’t even know how many months) of overgrowth? Ick. Please, tell me it’s happened to you.

Until I had to work last night from 12:30am to 7:30am and have had only about 40 minutes sleep in two days. Here I sit. A dirt bag. Without a care in the world. Oh the horror of it all!

What tricks do you have to share with this scumbag? Do you have a schedule of what gets done when? How do you find the time to maintain your parts? Please, I wanna know!

Apparently VERY tiring as well. I wouldn’t know since I’ve been slacking off all day.

We’re definitely the Best. Parents. Ever.