Me: I feel fat and frumpy. I’m so fat! *pouty tone* I hate being fat!

Mike: Well, first off. Stop wearing shorts from grade nine.

Me: How did you know they’re from grade nine? (cuz really. THEY. ARE.)

FAIL.

Embarking on just about the hottest weekend of the summer, our air conditioner took a shit dive last night.

No air.

It was working fine all day yesterday and then some time between the time I left to get Carter at daycare and when I came back it stopped. Though, we’ve been having trouble with it all season since there’s this part that has to click over to make an electrical connection which starts the unit, but that thing has corroded a little and fuses itself and doesn’t click over.

Amazed that I know that? Yeah, me too. They only had to explain it about four times.

Over the past couple weeks Mike’s been fiddling with the part, as instructed, to get it to flip when it needs a little encouragement. Then last week he had a bright idea to help it a little further with some industrial brake part cleaner; a spray used on brakes to remove gunk, dust and stuff. With a little spark things were back in working order and we thought nothing of it.

So last night was no different - when we started.

Mr. I-think-I’m-handy-at-everything decided to give it another little HUGE spray to get things in motion.

Once he sprayed the connection it sparked alright.

Then caught all the fluid ON. FIRE.

He comes running in the house asking me to get him a bowl of water all while trying so valiantly to hide his panic.

Water on an electrical fire? Geez, even I know better then that!

So I handed him baking soda - even though I had no idea if that was any better. It’s used for some kind of fire, I know that.

Mike’s running back and forth trying to figure out what to do.

We start shuttling bowls of water out the door to get it under wraps, while praying that the water worked.

Finally! Everything is put out.

It turns out that it was just the debris inside (and around) the unit that caught on fire, but the switch thingy that’s supposed to flip? I think it’s really fused now.

“Good news.” Mike states as he comes back inside.

“What could possibly be good about this?” I asked a little pissed off know that there will be no air conditioning all day tomorrow until the service man can arrive. You know. Somewhere between dawn and dusk.

“The nest of earwigs inside is fried.” And knowing how I feel about those skeevy fuckers, he probably thought he did some good.

Stupid fuckdog.

“Totally worth it.” I said.

I was totally lying.

Now as I sit in sweltering heat - sweating just sitting still - waiting for my Prince Charming repair man I can’t help but wonder if I’d rather be carried away by those earwigs then endure another moment of this boob sweat.

Boob sweat sucks.

Earwigs suck more.

And so I suffer.

UPDATE:

Genius fried the AC and the furnace. When he sprayed that shit on the contact it caused it to arc. The wires fused together and sent HIGH Voltage back to the LOW voltage switch in the furnace which then fried the board in there.

Result? Only about a THOUSAND dollars in repairs.

I could have went to BlogHer with that. Well, I could have gotten to San Fran, but probably not back.

Right now that would have been all right with me.

UPDATE 2:

Air is fixed! Hooray!! The man was so quick and friendly even though I think he thought we were COMPLETE morons. Broke morons.

I asked him to leave the part with me to show Mike what his bonehead move had cost us.

Conductor for the air conditioner. Note how completely fried the wires are? Nice, eh?

Do NOT use brake cleaner to clean your A/C. Seriouly BAD!

Seriously cute baby though, right?

I’ve been a colossal failure in the potty training department.

Well, not me personally; I’ve been able to manage that feat for quite some time.

Unless I’m pregnant with a cough, then continence and I are no longer friendly.

But enough about me.

Carter has been wearing actual underwear at school for some time now. Some days are hit and miss and others he’s been doing fabulous. The problem? Inconsistency at home (read: Me and Mike). It’s hard enough to get our shit together at home without throwing a pissing and shitting toddler into the mix. Not to mention the fact that he fights toilet time like nothing I’ve ever seen before. He’s great sometimes, then other times it’s like we’re dragging him to the electric chair. He’s awesome if it’s on his terms, but when we decide it’s time to go? Not. Having. It.

The problem is his terms are few and far between and usually after his pull-up is full and uncomfortable.

So now? We’ve been instructed to quit pull-ups and diapers.

Cold turkey.

The only time he’s allowed to be in a diaper is bedtime - not even nap time. Just overnight.

As if I don’t have enough shit (pun intended) to deal with.

So far this morning I’ve turned on the microwave timer to beep every half hour. In the past hour and a half we’ve had one accident. Already.

Awesome.

My question though? What about the furniture? Granted our couch needed to be professional cleaned burned ages ago but I don’t need the smell of pee and poop to be embedded along with everything else.

I could go the granny plastic couch route only I have no idea where to get the plastic covers, and I need them NOW.

Any suggestions?

Now the other child? He’s relatively easy. He doesn’t cry all that much, fusses more then anything. I think I’ve unintentionally conditioned him to sleep only in his swing. Laying flat on his back sends him into fits of spastic rage. The kind where his arms are flailing uncontrollably which in turn wakes him up.

Yes we swaddle.

[And very well I might add thanks to Parent Bloggers Network and Rookie Moms for the Miracle Blanket I won during a draw.]

If he’s in a mood he just looses his shit when his arms are pinned.

He has that thingy to keep him from rolling (which he can’t really yet), which help make him feel a little more confined.

AND he has his nights and days all mixed up which has resulted in me crashing on the couch while he chills in his swing most nights. Yes, I am just enabling the confusion, but he’s a month old - I can’t really ask that much from him.

The laundry could be done, and I could use a nice glass of sauvignon blanc, but that will come another day.

Soon my child, soon.

A Meme in Pictures

**(stolen without prejudice from Hilly who shamelessly stole it from Adena)

[I stole this AGES ago and stuck it in my drafts for a time that I would need it, cuz I'm awesome like that.]

Here’s how it works:
1. Go to www.flickr.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the “search” box
3. Use only the first page
4. Insert the picture into your Blog

1.) What is your relationship status?

married
2.)  What is your current mood?

stressed

3.)  Who is your favorite band/artist?

Pearl Jam

4.)  What is your favorite movie?

Dazed and Confused

5.)  What kind of pet do you have?

pit bull

&

grey tabby

6.)  Where do you live?

Toronto

7.)  Where do you work?

construction industry

8.)  What do you look like?

messy

9.)  What do you drive?

Malibu Maxx (but black) I heart it so bad!

10.)  What did you do last night?

nurse mah bebe (for what seemed like HOURS)

11.)  What is your favorite TV show?

Hell’s Kitchen

12.)  Describe yourself.

complacent

13.)  What are you doing today?

parenting (HA!)

14.)  What is your name?

Samantha - a bald eagle at the DC Zoo - it was this or a bunch of neked boobies… I don’t get it.

15.)  What is your favorite candy?

Reese’s pieces

:::

Thanks for all the support regarding yesterday’s post. Mike found a job this morning - which is fabulous - same pay rate as the last place as well and will probably have more hours. BUT! This job requires A LOT more out-of-town work so God only knows how long he’s going to be gone at times which is totally not cool with me.

But he has work, so I can relax.

A little.

Until the first trip that takes him away from home for 6 months.

:::

Carter calls a rake a “dick” and when he pretends to rake something he says: “dick, dick, dick, dick…”

Is it wrong that I laugh every single time?

Ah, kids.