I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I try to block out his thinning face, his fragile frame, his ghostly eyes. That’s not the man I knew.

I remember the hospital room filled with family.

I remember holding his hand and whispering in his ear that I loved him so.

I remember the call, the tears and the heartache.

I remember the day the cancer finally took him from us, ten years ago today, like it just happened.

I’ve written about my grandpa before.

I hate that he never had the chance to meet my children or come to my wedding. I just tell myself that he was there in spirit. That he’s always there.

He was such a special man and I miss his greatly.

I just hope he’s in a much better place: happy and carefree.

I love you grandpa.

:::

Hudson’s birth announcement: Wanna see what I really think of it?

Carter’s ability to listen has gone the way of the dodo bird. My patience have run very thin these days. Everything - EVERYTHING - has turned into a battle of wills with him. I don’t know that it’s the arrival of Hudson that’s caused this change in behaviour because it began before Hudson was born - but it’s dramatically increased over the past two weeks to the point where Mike and I are at our whits end when it comes to dealing with him. All the bribery in the world can’t get him to eat a meal, sit still or stop to change a wet pull up.

I won’t yell at him, but I do find myself raising my voice more often then I would like.

Growing up my mom was very passionate.

And by passionate I mean she liked to yell. A lot.

I blame it on the Hungarian heritage.

I promised myself that I would be a calm and understanding parent when I had children. I would reason with them and compromise rather then dictate. I would not raise my voice, hit or threaten.

I have yet to hit, but I have threatened and raised my voice more then I care to remember. It’s really a challenge not to fall into the patterns of discipline that my parents used on me. It just happens without even thinking about it; then when I take a step back, I realize that I’ve just done what I promised myself I would NEVER do.

He’s just so stubborn (like me) and very emotional (like me) which, I think, has caused our personalities to clash to the point where a blow up will ensue and I have to remind myself to step back and remember that I am the adult and I make the rules. Not him.

There’s also been a significant decrease in Mike’s ability to react rationally when Carter begins to tune us out - but he says that it’s because he’s changing tactics since Carter’s gotten away with so much for so long. I know it’s not too late to redirect this change in attitude, but where to start is the trouble.

Timeouts? I have an egg timer that I have set for three minutes (since timeout should last 1 minute for every year of age says a number of sources) and he sits on the stairs until the timer beeps. If he continues to talk or move the timeout lasts longer - but it’s proving to be ineffective.

The damn kid just won’t sit still.

And won’t shut the hell up.

He talks for the moment he wakes until he goes to bed.

And he refuses to nap during the day.

I am about one iota away from shaking him sometimes.

But I love him TOO much.

Lucky bugger.

I’ve begun a reward system where I give him stickers when he does something like I’ve asked since the kid is crazy about stickers.

[Stickers aren't just for potty anymore people!]

It’s also hit and miss most of the time.

Maybe he’s bored? Maybe I just suck as a companion for him and he’s not getting enough stimulation?

Maybe he’s just fuckin’ wired to the gills and I need a parenting course to figure out this child.

Maybe I should just start drinking more.

There’s so much going on these days that it’s really hard to keep up with a blog as well. I think about it daily and want to write, it’s just that trying to find the time to sit down and write has become quite a chore.

I’ve spent the last week feeling extremely guilty about the lack of time that I’ve had to devote to Carter. Since Hudson is a nursing machine, it feels as though Carter’s fallen to the wayside as I try and pay attention to his needs as well as constantly having a newborn latched to my boob. So this week, we’ve begun adding an additional day of daycare to keep Carter more active and engaged with other children as well as fill his day with activity rather then playing alone and watching hours of television. Not only is it better for him to have the structure and socialization, it gives me a chance to spend one-on-one time with Hudson, just like Carter got when he was an infant.

In some ways I feel as though I’ve taken the easy way out by sending my child off to his junior preschool class three days a week. It feels as though, I can’t cut it as a stay-at-home mom to two children (Ridiculous, right?) - even though I know it’s best for Carter to have his space and time away from us.

I sound like I’m trying to justify my reasons for him going to daycare still; I think I may also have guilt that I am.

I really can’t win. I feel guilty regardless of the choice I make.

All I know is my boys are damn cute.

Even though Hudson’s only been here for 7 days, it feels like I’ve known him forever. Even after one week I can’t imagine life without his precious little face, beautiful bright eyes and adorable little toes.

It’s impossible not to see the joy that he brings to his Big Brother. The love that Carter shows is immeasurable. Carter would do anything for Baby Hudson.

As would the rest of us.

My boys.