I’m now in a relative state of calm, cancel the straight jacket please

If you’ve been following my Tweets this morning you’d see that I’ve been freaking over the loss of my 2GB flash drive. I admit that I haven’t been entirely careful with it considering it holds a bunch of valuable information for my work’s new websites - yes, WEBSITES. Stupid me hadn’t backed it up to a computer, just kept everything on the flash drive. The flash drive that has been MIA over the past week I’ve been avoiding my boss’ requests for visual updates. I may have even used the excuse that my toddler hid it on me because what good are children if you can’t implicate them for missing items. But being that it’s a new week and *should* of had the opportunity to find it over th weekend, I can no longer avoid his requests. Hence me - freaking the shit out.

Blurred by despair, I agreed giving a blow job should Mike be able to locate the flash drive (since he’s home for the day), and won’t you know, the bugger found the damn thing in less that 15 minutes.

Shit.

I don’t know that I can use the syphilis line again.

Got any ideas to get me out of this one?

Or do I just admit defeat and take on for the team?

[Changing topic - NOW]

I now LOVE San Pellegrino and even Perrier now too.

The reason I’m sharing is because I took pictures of the bottles that I really like. And how else can I prove to you that I am insane but blog about head and soda water at the same time?

See:

Nice, right?

Still fun?

Yeah, it’s a bottle of fuckin’ water you loon.

Not to mention, a couple of Criss Angel’s motorcycles:

He was away for Christmas holidays or avoiding The Crazy Canadian Stalker while we were there, but I did get to see his store, production office for Mindfreak, as well as some of his bikes and cars.

Not to mention, lose my bag full of lens and camera gear near his store!

That sucked.

But! Thanks to some great person, it was dropped off at Luxor security and I got it ALL back.

I like to think that Criss was looking out for me.

[blank stare]

Mike thinks I shouldn’t put off the fitting for my straight jacket any longer.

Quit nodding. I thought we were friends!

burnt out and burning up

That’s me. Completely burnt out this week. I can’t tell you just how glad I am to know that it’s Friday. Why, with all the pressure of my guest post earlier this week, having someone all up in my space on Wednesday while I went drinking (and fishing), then recovering..then getting all bent out of shape about how painfully slow this dang site, I’m surprised I lasted this long.

By the way, have you got your butt over to help me win my new pink Dell? You know, you help me win, you get one too! We be chillin’ with out new colourful Dell notebooks together chicka! So get your booty over there and guess!! (But! You have to be Canadian, sorry friends!)

I really got nothing my peeps, I wish I had a witty story or something heartfelt to tell you, but I don’t. I’m loving blogging, but at the same time have really begun to feel the pressure of being “good”. I worry far too much and some days feel tremendous pressure to produce something entertaining, even when I just don’t have it in me. I know you’ve been there too, so I won’t carry on with this pitty-me-bullshit. Just sucks. And trying to get out of this frame of mind can be difficult too.

I blame it on the burn out and my lack of sleep.

So, I’ll share this:

Apparently my baby (step) daddy Matthew McConaughey has popped the question to his Brazilian model girlfriend Camilla Alves. You know, she’s not much older then me. It could have been ME dammit!!!

Soooo hot, yet this picture reminds me of this:

Which is not so hot.

So let’s enjoy this instead:

Sooooo hot. Want to touch the hinnie. (Remember that from Billy Madison?)

Really, who needs friends when you have this?

It’s a sad, sad day for my sexual fantasies.

forgot the title at the beach

Thanks for the well wishes, I am feeling a lot better after a relaxing weekend in Sauble Beach. It’s been ages since I’ve been and I forgot just how much I love it there. But beach pictures to come tomorrow with more on that.

And no, I’m not pregnant, since many of you think I’ve used a faulty pregnancy test, which is very humourous by the way, but in order to get pregnant you have to have sex. And well, up until last night there hasn’t been any sex in the House of Me for quite some time. Okay, well maybe there was some sex about a month ago. But, I can assure you, there are no babies.

[I just admitted to the Internets that I had sex last night. Gah! It was good, if you're wondering. Too much? well, don't insist that I'm pregnant without all the facts. That'll teach you!]

*If* we were trying to get pregnant you’d be the last to know. Frankly, I don’t want to share everything on this blog as I don’t know that my boss wouldn’t see that I’ve said we’re trying for another baby (me and Mike not me and my boss) and freak out. Then find some reason to get rid of me before I admitted to him that I was expecting so that he didn’t have to keep my position open for the year that I’d be on maternity leave.

Did that even make sense? ‘cuz I know what I’m trying to say, and it’s your responsibility to read between the lines; if you didn’t get it, well, tough luck. Guess you’re out of the loop.

Understand? Good. Glad we’re on the same page.

To be completely honest, I was actually quite disappointed in the lack of contributions for the free design giveaway I was holding. I *thought* it would be a good idea and that people would really love it, but nope. You all just validated what I’ve thought all along.

I suck.

One whole entrant. Such a disappointment you people are; you should all be spanked; but I’m not putting out that much effort. Instead I’ll continue to cry into my pillow. Or maybe! You all just LOVe the designs you have and didn’t feel the need to upgrade! (let’s go with that, makes me feel better.)

That’s fine, you’re loss - but not Tastes Like Crazy’s loss, cuz, well… she’s the lone entrant that wins the design!

Now that my feelings are crushed. *ahem* I will attempt to type through my tears and share the search terms that bring people to my site.

“SELF HUMILIATION” - oh! I know! Hold a contest for a free design where all but one think you’re a moron and don’t play along (Really. I’m not bitter people.)

“is it normal to think about killing your husband” - Normal? I don’t know about that, but it does happen. I vaguely remember confessing that I wanted to slaughter my husband in his sleep with a spoon.

“farting in front of your spouse”, “when to fart in front of husband”, “farting aruond your spouse”- is something that you should be comfortable doing. Holding it in is only painful and uncomfortable for you. We primp, shave, clean and dress up for our men, wear uncomfortable high heels and tight clothes for them, and hold in our farts until we are uncomfortably bloated and shifting wildly in our seats praying for it to be silent when it squeaks out. It’s about time for US to be comfortable and let it out! I say FART!! With all the searching, it’s apparent you’re thinking the same thing and just looking or some validation.

“babies peeing during a fuckin diaper change” - it’s a conspiracy. Just to get us mad. Best time? In the middle of the night when you’re deliriously tired and not paying full attention. They pee knowing that your reaction timed is slowed and that you’re not going to be able to get that diaper out as a shield in time. Smart little buggers I tell you.

“underage strippers”, “go with wife to see male strippers”, “husband cheats with stripper”, “strippers cheating”- Take her for lunch at the club. To the buffet. Sit in perverts row and introduce her to your underage stripper girlfriend. Good Times. Trust me on this one.

“overalls and a bikini” - DON’T DO IT!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T DO IT!!

sex fuck “smell my armpits” - Wha? some new maneuver? Not very charming.

“spy on mom in the bathtub”- I have no idea how this got you here. I say DON’T if it’s YOUR mom. Not cool dude. If it’s someone else’s hot mom? Have at ‘er. I recommend climbing the tree in the front yard and perching yourself outside the bathroom window. That always wins the ladies over.

“thong wedgies” - I don’t know how you don’t have a wedgie in a thong. Is a thong not just a permanent wedgie? I mean, unless you somehow manage to keep it over one butt cheek, it’s always wedged up there. Isn’t it?

There you go. Latest search terms.

Off to wallow in self pity now.

*breaking in to song*

No body loves me. Everybody hates me. Going to the garden to eat worms….

sex and marriage = oil and water

Mike: Wanna do it?
Me: Nope. Thanks for asking.
Mike: You never wanna do it.
Me: Nope, but your penis rules!
Mike: It does?! *eyes light up like Christmas morning*
Me: Yup, sure does.
Mike: I feel great now! That made me happy! *walks away*

Seriously? That’s all it takes?

Chris Rock sums up married life:

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