Mornings in our house prove to be a challenge. As I hate getting up, and dear hubs is an early riser we constantly bicker over the fact that I am a notorious snoozer. The snooze button is my dealer; I am addicted. One any given day, I will hit snooze three times. THREE. TIMES. This drives Mike to the brink of insanity since the first one wakes him then he’s up for the day; not to mention the fact I have it set for about a half hour before I have to get up.

Since he’s on course for work until mid-May he’s actually getting up at the same time as me, (instead of being out the door while I pound away on my snooze button), which definitely is a cause for more conflict in the mornings. For the past week we’ve been feuding over my addiction which as left me to one (sometimes two) hits of the button.
Today I was so sure I would try to get up at the first sound of the annoying - beeeeep, beeeeep, beeeeep, just to appease my ever-loving husband.

I didn’t succeed.

After the first one, I tried so hard to get the next one before he stirred. As it went off I started hitting the headboard trying to turn off the alarm, to my dismay the damn thing wasn’t turning off, at that point I realized: Dumbass, you’re hitting the headboard. The clocks over there.

I got up and headed for a shower. Mike soon to follow. Bitter. Bitter as all hell. Like he’s been everyday for the past week.

I will say, it’s been nice that we can have a shower together in the mornings again though (with no interruptions). Today, may have been a different story.
I sluggishly climbed into the shower while Mike was cursing me from his perch (on the can). Why can’t I just get up like a normal person? This fuckin’ snooze button has to stop. I’m going to take away your alarm clock. Blah, blah, blah-fuckity-blah.
While he went on and on I persuaded myself to make an effort at some foreplay, this would all go away (for the time being) if I just did something - anything, to redirect his attention for the snooze button to …. his penis.
He joined me in the shower, still chattering on and on about the fucking snooze button, so I made my move. I slowly reached down and touched it. He looked at me - and. stopped. talking. HE STOPPED!! So I continued a bit, but (faster then I thought he would) he clued into my intentions and turned to get past me; a bit flustered he started to bring up the alarm clock. Again.

Then it happened.

He stepped on the edge of the shower curtain and fell, bringing down the entire shower curtain rod with him.

There I stood, stark naked, water trickling everywhere as he was bent over, ass in the air, bracing himself against the side of the tub, the shower curtain, in a bunged up mess on the bathroom floor.

My initial reaction was to point and laugh, but I held it together long enough to ensure that he wasn’t hurt and to get the curtain rod in it’s rightful place. Then I bust a gut laughing. Oh, did I laugh! Thankfully, he thought it was pretty fuckin’ hilarious too. Though a little off target, I completed my mission.

The morning conversation was not that of my inability to get my ass out of bed anymore.

But that I tried to kill him in the shower by pushing him out of my way.

Sweet success.

If it wasn’t enough that I was sitting her admiring my blog this afternoon because I so enjoy my new design, I also felt compelled to nominate someone for the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Yup. I nominated a little known blog, with a couple readers; a girl that tries her hardest even though she may not always be funny or witty. Some posts are long winded, others are almost as interesting as watching paint dry… then there are a couple that (I think) are good enough to make one pee their pants.

Yeah, loser here. I nominated myself. *shakes head* I didn’t read all the rules nor did pay full attention to what I was doing and started filling everything in… for myself. To my defense… it does say at the top that you’re allowed to nominate your own blog.

I’m a fucktard. I know. Seriously though. I admit it. I am a dirty dirty attention whore.

But if you’d be so obliged, you can vote for me too. I ain’t postin’ a link, I think I’ve whored myself out enough.

On the bright side.

Costco fucking rocks my socks.

We bought one of those FoodSaver vacuum thingies for all the bulk meat that we buy; because we’re a couple of savages and stock up like it’s going out of style. Well, the damn thing broke. It wouldn’t suck anymore (Mike says it’s like me, apparently I’m broken too - cuz I don’t suck anymore).
We didn’t have the box, let alone a receipt, so we were hesitant about taking it back. I figured they’d say: “No such luck. Idiots.”

But then I remembered THIS. It’s pretty much the funniest damn thing I’ve ever read. Go on, read it.

And low and behold they took it back. Costco gave us a brand new vacuum sucking thingy. So, all’s right with the world now. Mike is so utterly gitty he’s vacuum sealing just about anything he can find at the moment.

Maybe he can vaccum suck the fat outta mah ass fer me.

It’s a PSA if you will. Girls, I’ve got a great, yet absolutely disturbing, way to get your man to stop, momentarily, begging for sex. I don’t know how we got on the topic, but it works. It really works!

I warned you, it’s a little disturbing.

Mention something pertaining to his arse-hole. Really! Sick, I know; but it works.

Mike has been constantly bombarding me with requests for sex. Lately, I just haven’t been in the mood - less then normal; I have a feeling it has to do with my medication lowering my libido. Every night when he gets home from work it’s the same old story. Not How was your day honey? Not You look pretty. It’s ALWAYS, Wanna have sex? And I can’t stand it; nothing puts me in a shittier mood the that. I can understand that my hottest is decidedly overwhelming, but it’s a little ridiculous.

We were having a conversation one night and it came to “going down south”, as it usually does since that’s all he thinks about; and no, I don’t mean Florida. Being that I am so lady like and never say or do anything offensive or vulgar *cough, cough* I blurted out about licking his ass crack.
I have NEVER seen a man so turned off. Child birth had nothing on this. Nothing. The look was positively priceless. Oh, like he’s never thought something so horrendous before. Please.

So, now, my escape from sex? Talk about licking out his ass crack. He stops dead in his tracks and turns away. Every. single. time. Seriously girls. This is paramount!
Now, just picture it; if you’re actually more womanly and proper then me, and your husband isn’t a total freak in bed this will work magic. Absolute magic.

(I can’t believe I posted this. God, I pray that no one in my family EVER finds this blog.)

P.S. The house of shits and pukes are not quite in the clear yet. Carter was sent home because of two diarrheas today and I haven’t been feeling shit hot lately either. Oh, I hope this passes. I can’t stand the thought of more vomit.

I stole this from Denise, who stole it from tug.

I’m going straight to hell… but only after Denise and tug. LOL!

Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. And NO, it is not PER incident (otherwise, some of us would have totals more than the national debt - like mine almost does!).

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

Tally it up and Title it…”My Fine Is…”

Let me know if you participate…I wanna see how naughty you have been!