If it wasn’t enough that I was sitting her admiring my blog this afternoon because I so enjoy my new design, I also felt compelled to nominate someone for the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Yup. I nominated a little known blog, with a couple readers; a girl that tries her hardest even though she may not always be funny or witty. Some posts are long winded, others are almost as interesting as watching paint dry… then there are a couple that (I think) are good enough to make one pee their pants.

Yeah, loser here. I nominated myself. *shakes head* I didn’t read all the rules nor did pay full attention to what I was doing and started filling everything in… for myself. To my defense… it does say at the top that you’re allowed to nominate your own blog.

I’m a fucktard. I know. Seriously though. I admit it. I am a dirty dirty attention whore.

But if you’d be so obliged, you can vote for me too. I ain’t postin’ a link, I think I’ve whored myself out enough.

On the bright side.

Costco fucking rocks my socks.

We bought one of those FoodSaver vacuum thingies for all the bulk meat that we buy; because we’re a couple of savages and stock up like it’s going out of style. Well, the damn thing broke. It wouldn’t suck anymore (Mike says it’s like me, apparently I’m broken too - cuz I don’t suck anymore).
We didn’t have the box, let alone a receipt, so we were hesitant about taking it back. I figured they’d say: “No such luck. Idiots.”

But then I remembered THIS. It’s pretty much the funniest damn thing I’ve ever read. Go on, read it.

And low and behold they took it back. Costco gave us a brand new vacuum sucking thingy. So, all’s right with the world now. Mike is so utterly gitty he’s vacuum sealing just about anything he can find at the moment.

Maybe he can vaccum suck the fat outta mah ass fer me.

It’s a PSA if you will. Girls, I’ve got a great, yet absolutely disturbing, way to get your man to stop, momentarily, begging for sex. I don’t know how we got on the topic, but it works. It really works!

I warned you, it’s a little disturbing.

Mention something pertaining to his arse-hole. Really! Sick, I know; but it works.

Mike has been constantly bombarding me with requests for sex. Lately, I just haven’t been in the mood - less then normal; I have a feeling it has to do with my medication lowering my libido. Every night when he gets home from work it’s the same old story. Not How was your day honey? Not You look pretty. It’s ALWAYS, Wanna have sex? And I can’t stand it; nothing puts me in a shittier mood the that. I can understand that my hottest is decidedly overwhelming, but it’s a little ridiculous.

We were having a conversation one night and it came to “going down south”, as it usually does since that’s all he thinks about; and no, I don’t mean Florida. Being that I am so lady like and never say or do anything offensive or vulgar *cough, cough* I blurted out about licking his ass crack.
I have NEVER seen a man so turned off. Child birth had nothing on this. Nothing. The look was positively priceless. Oh, like he’s never thought something so horrendous before. Please.

So, now, my escape from sex? Talk about licking out his ass crack. He stops dead in his tracks and turns away. Every. single. time. Seriously girls. This is paramount!
Now, just picture it; if you’re actually more womanly and proper then me, and your husband isn’t a total freak in bed this will work magic. Absolute magic.

(I can’t believe I posted this. God, I pray that no one in my family EVER finds this blog.)

P.S. The house of shits and pukes are not quite in the clear yet. Carter was sent home because of two diarrheas today and I haven’t been feeling shit hot lately either. Oh, I hope this passes. I can’t stand the thought of more vomit.

I stole this from Denise, who stole it from tug.

I’m going straight to hell… but only after Denise and tug. LOL!

Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. And NO, it is not PER incident (otherwise, some of us would have totals more than the national debt - like mine almost does!).

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

Tally it up and Title it…”My Fine Is…”

Let me know if you participate…I wanna see how naughty you have been!

MamaTulip wanted to hear about my battery operated toothbrush. I believe she even mentioned the word dild0 in her request. Pfft. What a pervert. I found it odd that this what part of her request, but reminded me of one of my business trips….

I enjoy brushing my teeth as much as the next person but I have a new found lust for it since getting my electric toothbrush. Now, it’s not one of those fancy Sonic Care toothbrushes, which I wouldn’t mind; it’s just one of those cheap Oral B. This thing is what dreams are made of. I could never, never return to using a “manual” toothbrush. It’s manual, but with less work. The head spins and cleans better then any regular shitty toothbrush. Anyone unknowing would definitely mistake the sound and vibration for a dildo.

I know this because…

I was on a business trip in September 2004. From Toronto to Virginia for a month. Pack my shit and away we go. Trip there was uneventful; get to the rented mini van and load up my stuff in the back. Take a short trip from DC to Maryland to pick up some equipment. There’s me, my boss and some guy from France that I’d never met but was to stay and work with me for the entire month. Great. Fine. So in Maryland we load up our equipment from the office which required some shuffling of the luggage in the back. No biggie. Right? *Ahem*

The guys are shuffling some stuff around and I come walking back to the van with my arms full of computer hardware, what exactly is not important. I get to the van and my boss turns towards me and diverts his eyes very quickly. Huh? What the fuck was that about? He then looks down at the ground, up at the sky, to his left. “There’s something going off in your luggage.” He says and quickly makes a dash for the building. There I stand dumbfounded as to what the fuck he’s talking about. I take my time and load the shit I was carrying and walk over to my bag thinking that he’s seriously got to lay off the crack. What the hell could be going off in my fuckin’ bag? I touch it. It’s vibrating. It’s fucking vibrating. *sigh* Je-sus. I know what it is.

My damn toothbrush. I hadn’t taken the batteries out before I packed it and with the shuffling something must have depressed the button. I think he was more embarrassed then I was; all I could do was laugh. I pulled it out to prove to him that it was in fact my toothbrush and not some sex toy that I planned on getting freaky with while I was away from hubby!

You’d think I’d learn my lesson after that? Oh, no. Not this one.

So, I’m in the airport on my way home at the end of the trip. Check my luggage in Dulles Airport and think nothing of it. Send it through the security check points, x rays, etc., and I’m on my way home.
Get back to Toronto and head to the baggage department. Wait for everything to unload; everything does, but my bag. Fuck! Where the hell is my bag!? I walk around, check other spots and then go to the baggage claim counter and ask. The bitch there doesn’t even look up and points to where the unclaimed bags are stored. I walk over wondering how it would be there if I just arrived here. Whatever.
But low and behold, there it is. With bright orange tape around it and a sticker that says “INSPECTED”. I grab my bag and head off; feeling a little violated and wondering, Why me? What made you want to search my bag?

I get home, still pondering the reasons that they chose MY bag.

As I open my bag, it hits me. There IT is, sitting on top of everything else, opened and batteries removed.

My dildo toothbrush went off in my bag again!

I can just imagine the inspector that had to check for that! A big sigh of relief must have washed over them when they realized that it was in fact a toothbrush and not a sex toy.