I like manly facial hair as much as the next person; provided it’s well groomed and not too bushy, facial hair can be appealing.
But!
Mustaches will never be sexy.
Never.
Sorry if your husband has one and you find it hot, but you’re wrong. You’re messed in the head and your husband has horrible facial hair.
Growing up, my dad had one for years; it was the “in thing” of the 80’s I presume, but I hated it with a passion. The prickly whiskers would hurt my cheeks, I can still remember how it felt to brace for the stinging kiss as we said our good-byes. I would flinch and he would ask what was wrong. Every. Single. Time.
My step-dad has one, again. I don’t know what possessed him to shave the goatee off and keep the mustache. He looked sharp with the full goatee, but now I cringe inside at the sight of his newly acquired mustache (does that even make sense, newly acquired? because he did have it all along with the goatee…)
A full and well groomed mustache is *gag* somewhat tolerable. Like Tom Selleck: he can pull it off.
But Orlando Bloom?
Nope. Nadda. Oh fuck NO!
So…. now that we’ve done mullets… I’m on to mustaches.
Seven years old, I went for a haircut. I was very specific about what I wanted; everyone was doing it, and I wanted to too. I begged and pleaded until I was finally allowed, after all, it’s hair, it grows back, right? (Sounds familiar, no?)
Well, I was more then excited when I left the salon with my new do. I remember admiring it in the mirror when we got home.
I remember the picture my mom took, and I cringe when I see it. Cringe.
I can’t believe she let me do that to my head! It was a NIGHTMARE!
It was probably really funny to her at the time, that’s why the pictures; after all, she could very well use those as bribery in my teens.
Growing up, I had my husband, his career, our house, our cars, our children’s names and everything! picked out. I knew exactly what my children were going to look like (me of course!) I knew I would have a live-in nanny and I would work full time (so, partially right). All while sleeping around behind my husband’s back with Ken (yes, Barbie’s Ken) because he worked such grueling hours trying to maintain my wickedly awesome lifestyle. Apparently cheating is a way of life. Who knew?
I would lay down The Law and I would be Boss. I would be listened to, back talk and lying would not be tolerated and I would be feared. Ha! If the children became unbearable, well… I would simply pass them to the nanny and tell her that I had to get out of the house and go have a drink with my friends.
[So instead I ditch the husband with an unruly toddler and head to my friend's to bitch and moancompare notes gush about how grateful we are for such understanding husbands. ]
So far, everything seems to be heading uncontrollably downhill and that kid is propped up on my back using my hair as the reigns.
Thirteen Things I Never Thought I’d Let My Child Do
1. Watch TV – Okay so, only partially true. I never thought I’d let him watch as much TV as he does.
2. I never thought I’d let him have more shows saved on the DVR then I have. That’s happened as well. He’s got nearly 45% of the damn thing.
3. Eat chips. Now he doesn’t eat them that often, but yes.. he has chips.
4. Have McDonald’s until he was at least five. Nope. Done that too.
5. Eat cereal for dinner. But he does. It’s high in fiber though, so it’s okay, right?
6. Watch TV in the car. That was before I realized how hard it actually is to concentrate on the road with a whining/crying toddler in the back.
7. Hug random strangers in WalMart. But apparently he really fancies the East Indian lady we happen to run into often in the baby section. Weird.
8. Stay up late. But sometimes you just have to weigh the positives and negatives. I mean, Grandma put up with the cranky evening and we can sleep in? Bonus!
9. Try pop or coffee until he was much older, and well… he’s done both – not by my choice though. His father doesn’t seem to think it’s as big a deal as I do.
10. Go to bed without brushing. Meh. He’s got another set of teeth comin’ in. We can try better with those, right?
11. Sleep in my bed. Ya, that’s right. I love sleep too much to share my space with anyone. But I have. Numerous times. Too many times. *sigh*
12. Wear clothes with Dinsey characters, Dora, Diego or Pooh Bear. Done, done and done. *gag*
13. Use a bottle and a pacifier until he was two. But we’re coming up on two nice and quickly and I don’t see him relinquishing them any. time. soon.
And! Remember how I went on about Carter calling Mike Mommy or Mike? Ya, he still does. But it’s normally just Mike. No matter how many times we correct him, Mike is still Mike. I was able to finally get him on video. A little. He gets performance anxiety when he’s on camera (not really, he likes to watch the LCD on the back of the camera instead).
** To those reading in Technorati, I’m sorry! You’re going to have to re-join. I changed my account and lost all the readers.Â
After last night’s fiasco there are no longer rules of engagement in the House of Me.
I slept in the spare room last night. Took me forever to fall asleep as I plotted his slow and painful demise. This morning, he came in before leaving for work to give me a kiss and say goodbye; I pretended to be sleeping still since I didn’t want to get in a fight just yet. Plus, I hadn’t full developed my plan off attack.
Asshat is going down.
Thirteen Ways I Could Bring Down Manchild.
1. Hot Sauce – even the sight of it can send him running to the washroom, causing stomach cramping and hours on the toilet.
2. Ball Gag and Butt Plug – of course, after I hog tie him like the animal he is.
3. Britney Spears - lock him in a room with her when she’s horny and at her most bat-shit crazy moment.
4. Viper - rent a Viper (the car) for the weekend and not let him near it. This is his dream car people. He’d DIE for a chance to even touch one.
5. XBox 360 - while I have him hog tied and gagged. Smash his XBox in front of him and break each disc in half.
6. Abstain – from sex, with him. Forever.
7. Cats - rescue 9 more cats. Become the crazy cat lady and let them pee on his pillow.
8. Television - sell it. Make sure he’s home when the people come to pick it up.
9. Laundry - turn all his whites pink. Throw away all his clothes and replace with new ones in various shades of pink.
 I hope you’re still voting for me! I want to be Hot Stuff, people. I want it all (because I am a trashy button whore).
:::
After the wretched post of smelly men yesterday (p.s. Heeee’s back this morning. *gag*) I thought it was only fitting to share, with you, my favourite smells. The smells I think about when I am choking back male body odour. It’s worse then onions I tell you. I am on the verge of tearing up.
So, without further ado…
My 13 favourite smells
1 & 2 & 3. The Spirit of Moonflower, Satuma and Mango from the Body Shop
4. Gas – I know, so bad. But I love the smell of gas fumes.
5. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. YUM!
6. Fresh mountain air. There really is something about it. LOVE!
7. Pepperoni Pizza, my absolute fave!
8. Summer rain. I love the smell outside just after the rain has fallen – and before it starts.
9. Freshly cut wood. With a chainsaw. Um.
10. Banana Boat tanning lotion. I’d eat the stuff if I could.
12. Peanut Butter. I used to eat this stuff with a spoon. Sitting on the couch, just packin’ it away. When I was pregnant I got the WORST heartburn from it, and we haven’t been the same since.
13. My ultimate favourite. Tommy cologne. This stuff is panty remover. I can’t get enough of it. An ex-boyfriend used to wear it all the time. And well… we had lots of sex.
Mike’s always threatened that once he goes completely grey (since it’s already started) or if his hair starts falling out he’s going to shave his head completely bald. I cringe every time we have the conversation and change the subject instantly. I am not a big fan of the bald look.
Seriously, there’s only a handful of people in this world that can work the baldness and I don’t think he’s one of them.
BUT! Fear not!
There are some rockin’ hot bald heads out there and these are my top 13.
(Click the pic for larger ones with names and more hotness. YUM!)
On my way home last night I stopped at Staples to deliver some documents I need to have bound. After dropping the items off and completing the forms, I headed to the exit. Something caught my eye. A beautiful new computer monitor. On Sale.
My gaze traveled beyond the new monitor to the computer section. Beautiful spankin’ new laptops, programs, keyboards. *sigh* Oh how I would love to have these new gadgets. How these gadgets would help me keep on top of this, yet still spend more time with Carter without my back turned to him, throwing crackers over my shoulder.
While relishing the thought of scooping up everything insight, I had a revelation. I am officially a full on, no holds barred, geek.
I. am. a. GEEK. (yet oh! so! glamorous!)
(I can’t believe it. I said it. I professed my geekdom to The Internets.)
I no longer yearn for those coveted high heels, instead? A wireless keyboard and mouse. Nor do I crave the latest vanilla berry lip gloss, but a new wireless router.
I. am. there! I am a full fledged geek. (For the third time! This is almost therapeutic.)
I just hope in Carter’s eyes, I will be the lovable geeky, yet oh-so-cool mom! *shrug* A girl can dream right?
Thirteen Things on now my Wish List
1. Wireless router
2. Wireless keyboard and mouse for my desktop
3. External hard-drive for all this stuff
4. A new lap top computer with all the bells and whistles (Don’t think I could convert to a MacBook yet though. I have sentimental attachment to PCs) – pink would be an extra bonus!
5. This cute little mouse pad.
6. Photoshop CS2
And so you don’t think I’ve totally gone off the edge!
7. Lululemon Hula Crops
8. Rimmel Vinyl Lip Gloss in any light brown coffee colour
9. Coke Zero. I am craving so bad right now!!
10. I wanna try Guitar Hero (since everyone talks about it – You got it? Invite me over M’Kay?)
11. I wanna play with a Wii (Oh, you have that too? Can I invite myself over? I’ll bring coffee!)
12. One night with this guy:
Well, at least one night. With handcuffs, whips, Cool Whip and chocolate.
13. Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough to hog to myself after I’m finished with No. 12
