I like manly facial hair as much as the next person; provided it’s well groomed and not too bushy, facial hair can be appealing.
But!
Mustaches will never be sexy.
Never.
Sorry if your husband has one and you find it hot, but you’re wrong. You’re messed in the head and your husband has horrible facial hair.
Growing up, my dad had one for years; it was the “in thing” of the 80’s I presume, but I hated it with a passion. The prickly whiskers would hurt my cheeks, I can still remember how it felt to brace for the stinging kiss as we said our good-byes. I would flinch and he would ask what was wrong. Every. Single. Time.
My step-dad has one, again. I don’t know what possessed him to shave the goatee off and keep the mustache. He looked sharp with the full goatee, but now I cringe inside at the sight of his newly acquired mustache (does that even make sense, newly acquired? because he did have it all along with the goatee…)
A full and well groomed mustache is *gag* somewhat tolerable. Like Tom Selleck: he can pull it off.
But Orlando Bloom?
Nope. Nadda. Oh fuck NO!
So…. now that we’ve done mullets… I’m on to mustaches.
Seven years old, I went for a haircut. I was very specific about what I wanted; everyone was doing it, and I wanted to too. I begged and pleaded until I was finally allowed, after all, it’s hair, it grows back, right? (Sounds familiar, no?)
Well, I was more then excited when I left the salon with my new do. I remember admiring it in the mirror when we got home.
I remember the picture my mom took, and I cringe when I see it. Cringe.
I can’t believe she let me do that to my head! It was a NIGHTMARE!
It was probably really funny to her at the time, that’s why the pictures; after all, she could very well use those as bribery in my teens.
Growing up, I had my husband, his career, our house, our cars, our children’s names and everything! picked out. I knew exactly what my children were going to look like (me of course!) I knew I would have a live-in nanny and I would work full time (so, partially right). All while sleeping around behind my husband’s back with Ken (yes, Barbie’s Ken) because he worked such grueling hours trying to maintain my wickedly awesome lifestyle. Apparently cheating is a way of life. Who knew?
I would lay down The Law and I would be Boss. I would be listened to, back talk and lying would not be tolerated and I would be feared. Ha! If the children became unbearable, well… I would simply pass them to the nanny and tell her that I had to get out of the house and go have a drink with my friends.
[So instead I ditch the husband with an unruly toddler and head to my friend's to bitch and moancompare notes gush about how grateful we are for such understanding husbands. ]
So far, everything seems to be heading uncontrollably downhill and that kid is propped up on my back using my hair as the reigns.
Thirteen Things I Never Thought I’d Let My Child Do
1. Watch TV - Okay so, only partially true. I never thought I’d let him watch as much TV as he does.
2. I never thought I’d let him have more shows saved on the DVR then I have. That’s happened as well. He’s got nearly 45% of the damn thing.
3. Eat chips. Now he doesn’t eat them that often, but yes.. he has chips.
4. Have McDonald’s until he was at least five. Nope. Done that too.
5. Eat cereal for dinner. But he does. It’s high in fiber though, so it’s okay, right?
6. Watch TV in the car. That was before I realized how hard it actually is to concentrate on the road with a whining/crying toddler in the back.
7. Hug random strangers in WalMart. But apparently he really fancies the East Indian lady we happen to run into often in the baby section. Weird.
8. Stay up late. But sometimes you just have to weigh the positives and negatives. I mean, Grandma put up with the cranky evening and we can sleep in? Bonus!
9. Try pop or coffee until he was much older, and well… he’s done both - not by my choice though. His father doesn’t seem to think it’s as big a deal as I do.
10. Go to bed without brushing. Meh. He’s got another set of teeth comin’ in. We can try better with those, right?
11. Sleep in my bed. Ya, that’s right. I love sleep too much to share my space with anyone. But I have. Numerous times. Too many times. *sigh*
12. Wear clothes with Dinsey characters, Dora, Diego or Pooh Bear. Done, done and done. *gag*
13. Use a bottle and a pacifier until he was two. But we’re coming up on two nice and quickly and I don’t see him relinquishing them any. time. soon.
And! Remember how I went on about Carter calling Mike Mommy or Mike? Ya, he still does. But it’s normally just Mike. No matter how many times we correct him, Mike is still Mike. I was able to finally get him on video. A little. He gets performance anxiety when he’s on camera (not really, he likes to watch the LCD on the back of the camera instead).
** To those reading in Technorati, I’m sorry! You’re going to have to re-join. I changed my account and lost all the readers.
