Carter’s really sick, sicker then I thought. I had planned to just set up a doctor’s appointment for today, but we took him to the ER last night to appease Mike’s paranoid parenting. He always wants to go to the ER if something is off or not just right. So, I thought I would humour him last night and go, wait for 5 hours for them to tell us it’s nothing, just a cold. I was waiting with baited tongue to say I told you so!
So we waited and waited; did I mention we waited? For was seemed like hours before the Dr. even came to see him. A nurse came in and Mike was all excited thinking that the end was near, a doctor would be along “a couple minutes” as the nurse said. “See it’s not that bad.” he tells me.
Hours come and go, Mike is getting very restless and mad, wants to leave. I am smiling ear to ear (on the inside) and tell him, “This was your idea, now you’re going to see it through.” He grumbles and swears at me. He hates knowing that he was wrong and this was a bad idea.

So more hours come and go, Mike is pacing and getting very impatient. He sets a time limit, “If they’re not here by 9 0′clock we’re leaving.” Apparently the master had spoken. Yes, he’s gonna crack and I WIN!
Once the doctors come and see Carter we find out that he has a second degree ear infection. I think that’s really bad. And the nurse takes swabs of his eye gross pussy discharge. This kid is a machine I tell ya, you’d NEVER have known there was a gross pussy ear infection looming, Mike was really concerned about his eyes. (Which I also chalked up to a cold).
BAD MOMMY. A little piece of me cried inside knowing that I was using this a game against my husband and my child was really that sick. My dark shriveled tiny heart actually felt really bad. I think having to admit defeat to my husband made it feel worse. He got to tell me I told you so! while grinning ear to ear. He got to relish in the fact that I hadn’t figured it out. I think a little piece of me died last night.

So for my punishment, the oxygen and chest Xray. Ugh. WOW, that’s HARD! I had to pretty well pin my child down and hold an oxygen mask to his squirming little face while the whole time he was beat red from crying so hard. If that wasn’t bad enough I had Mike on the sidelines telling me that I’m not doing it right. I think if I had the ability to spit nails, he would have been covered head to toe, stuck to the wall behind him. What the fuck? You sit there and tell me I’m not doing it right, yet make no effort to even try and help? You muthafucka.
If that wasn’t bad enough, I had to wear a huge leather apron and neck shield as they took Xrays of my child in the baby torturing device. I wish I could find a picture of this thing. Horrible.
I am holding my child’s arms above his head and singing “If You’re Happy and You Know It” with tears streaming down my face. I was fine with everything else, but seeing your child in a contraption like that is beyond words.

So, we waited more, and more. The pediatrition finally came in while Carter was sleeping in the hospital bed; he gave us prescriptions and sent us on our way.
Luckily Mike didn’t even gloat once. Though, I am sure it’s coming.

I have been eating so much the past few days. I have just been gorging myself today out of bordem. I feel sick and disgusted with myself.

I know that I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am happy, sad, bored, mad, angry, livid, etc. ALL the time. Since July I was doing GREAT with Weight Watchers and have lost 15lbs in 2 months - which is sooooo fabulous, then I started eating the week before I returned to work, Weight Watchers went out the window. I know what I am doing and I know that I don’t want to and I know that I shouldn’t, but I do. I tell myself “Don’t eat that” as I pick it up and then “Ah, what the hell” as I put it in. Then I feel like shit after.
I have seriously thought about going and purging. Just bark it all out. But as those people close to me know… I would much rather have explosive diarrhea for a week then throw up once. Ick. I just hate throw up. I hate everything about it. I could NEVER be bulimic, the thought of it gives me shivers; but to have explosive diarrhea… I could handle that. Sick. I know.

So today, I ate breakfast which was decent. One whole egg, back bacon and 2 slices of toast, 1/2 cup of orange juice. Then lunch was ceasar salad.. then down hill from there… about half a bag of ketchup chips, Mike & Ike candies, homemade bread and then dinner; dinner wasn’t that bad because I felt so icky and guilty about tueh binging this afternoon. I had less then 1/2 cup of peas, less then 1/2 cup of basmati rice and honey garlic sausage.

I don’t know what makes me do this to myself. I realized that when I was starting to get compliments on my weight loss I let it go. I’m not sure what the reasoning what for that, but I did. I let it go.
I need that motivation back, I WANT desperately to reach my goal. I am half way there and I can’t give it all up now.

I just NEED that motivation back.

So, I am losing it. Slowly but surely I am going nerdier and nerdier (is that even a word?).

I have found a blog designer and have been regularly reading her blog and enjoy her stuff a lot. I have asked Miss Zoot and Nello to design a template for my site. I really hope one of them agrees and I can finally have something that I really like and am really happy with, they’re relatively inexpensive too, which is a bonus! I have a little extra money available soon, so I am doing this for me! LOL

I want to have a good night’s sleep and not be tossing and turning thinking about what I should try to do to make it better with my non existent HTML experience. LOL
I have thought about buying books, learning by being self taught… which I may do… as a hobby or something…but I am impatient and I want this now! LOL Miss Zoot is self taught and I think she does a fabulous job!

So, fingers crossed, hopefully they email me back and in a couple weeks I will have a beautiful template that I am happy with. I think it’s gonna be real cute!!

Also, I have decided to open it to the public. I didn’t add it to my profile because I don’t want family to be able to access it freely, no offence to any that stumble upon this little blog… but it’s my freedom, I NEED it! Like I never thought I would need it.
I hope that the number of hits increases and that people actually find me entertaining, we’ll see.